An Open Letter To The Children That Terrorize My Neighborhood…Well Mainly Just Me!

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To The Children In My Neighborhood,

So hey there kids, we see each other all the time, you guys are always out running amok in the neighborhood, I think it’s cool that your parent’s believe in the whole  “Free Range Parenting”  thing or maybe it’s the  “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”  doctrine they follow, who knows. Anyways, you know who I am and I know who you are and where you live….Never forget that!

Sometimes when I go out to check the mail I will see you kids hanging out at the box, doing your best to break into it, as if it contained safety deposit boxes or something…. something like US mail which in case you didn’t know the stealing of is a felony, that’s right kids your little game of  “B & E”  will get you some hard time, but I guess since you kids are only like 6 or 7 they will probably go easy on you.

Once in a while when I’m doing something outside you kids will come by and say funny things to me like  “Hey baldy, don’t get a sunburn”… “Freak”  or “My mom said you look like you’re on steroids”  I really enjoy our chats. Maybe tomorrow when you ride by on your little bikes, I will play a game with you, as soon as you say something I will scream “That’s it you all die today”  and start running after you, I wonder what your mom will say then? I will just tell her it was Roid Rage.

The other day I noticed you little rascals checking out the old car I have in my driveway, it rarely gets driven, and Yes, it’s pretty ugly looking but it’s mine and like most of the things that belong time me I know the true value of it. Now, I know it doesn’t compare to your Dad’s new pick-up truck that he likes to drive as fast as he can through the neighborhood, with its cool rims and tinted windows. Maybe one day when your Dad is driving well above the speed limit I will step out onto the road with a rock and smash those tinted windows, then maybe he and I can talk about the scratches you put on my old car when you were climbing on it.

Sometimes when I come home I see you kids in my yard, playing with the basketball hoop I set up for MY kid, I will roll up really slow, because I know once you see me you little rascals take off in a mad dash to get away, perhaps you think I won’t notice you. Depending on my mood, I sometimes really have to resist the urge to chase you down and run over you…guess it’s good for you that I just frown menacingly at you instead. And if you recall I have only shouted once at you, and that was the time when you took off running and trampled my plants. I know human life, especially young lives are more important than a few plants, but still…I really liked those plants and I don’t like you.

I guess I’m still a little mad at you kids for that day last month, it was a Saturday if I recall, I was dressed nicely for once because I was going to a fun little get together with a lovely young lady, whom I might add I was really wanting to make a good impression on. Anyways, when you kids rode by on your bikes, armed with super-soakers I was unprepared for what happened next. I didn’t realize it was going to turn into a drive by…I have no idea what you mixed in with the water but I was nearly blinded and the redness and swelling didn’t go away for a few days. Needless to say I didn’t make a good impression with that young lady, as a matter of fact I never heard from her again. So YES, I guess I’m still a little mad at you kids.

I hope one day we can come to an understanding, an understanding that I’m just hanging on by a thread, so please….Stay Off My Property!

Best Regards,

Concerned Neighbor

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