I have never been comfortable taking a dump anywhere other than my own bathroom, obliviously this does not make life easy for me. Recently I was one of several guests at a friend’s house for dinner when the urge to “Poo Poo” slowly reared its ugly head, or should I say ugly turtle head. It felt like a subway car was pushing its way out my rear end, if you have never experienced this sensation let me just say it’s one you don’t want to have at your friend’s dinner party. I had no choice, I had to do the unthinkable, at least for me, I had to ask my friend to use their bathroom, just as everyone was sitting down to eat…I told them not to wait, this would not be anything that would be over quickly. After ten minutes of trying to clear the subway car out of my back side, each minute I was in there just added to my shame and humiliation. I just imaged the conversation going on at the table, I know they were making fun of me, judging me and most likely disgusted with me. To top it off her bathroom didn’t have any fruity smelling sprays which I could use to mask the “Chernobyl Event” that just happened.
As I returned to the table, I could see the look on their faces…I may as well have walked out of the bathroom covered in shit, I just hung my head low and prayed nobody else needed to use the bathroom, as my stench would surely still be in there for the next few days.
So as a way of helping anyone else out there who happens to have the same issues as me about using foreign bathrooms, whether they are your friends or a random truck stop. Over the years I have developed a few toilet tactics which help me get through difficult moments. Now some of my toilet techniques are pretty advanced and would require visual aids to properly understand them so I will share a few of the easier techniques, perhaps you already know them, perhaps not, I’m just trying to help my fellow shitters out.
I use this method when I’m at a public restroom, one that has several stalls. Pro Tip: Never use the Handicapped stall, that stall usually has some bad stuff go down in it. So once you are in your stall, you give the toilet seat a good once over and you can clearly see residue from the last thirty visitors (hair, fecal matter, stains, blood, urine, god knows what) No worries my friends, just assume the Osprey position, which is fairly simple, you hover 3-4 inches above the seat, it requires leg strength that’s why I recommend hitting the gym as often as possible. Once in a good hover, begin dropping bombs like you normally would. If you start to get spasms in your legs use your arms to help prop yourself up, grab on to the walls, toilet paper holder, anything you can except the toilet seat, NEVER touch the seat! If all goes well you should have dropped your weapons package off without touching the seat, if you did touch the seat you probably have an STD or worse now…. Go see the Doctor.
The Squeeze and Release
Alright you make it to the bathroom, you give the toilet seat a once over, luckily the restroom is fairly clean, the toilet seat looks like they just cleaned it and maybe your feeling like you can take a seat on this one. First thing is first, prepare yourself mentally, once you commit to the seat, you own it! Now grab some toilet paper and start creating a safety barrier on the seat, it should be at a minimum 1-2 inches thick, the thicker the better. Now slowly lower your exposed ass to the seat, take caution in not knocking the safety barrier you just made into the bowl.
Good job, you have made contact, safety barrier still in place, now you’re ready for business, as you begin carpet bombing the toilet bowl you feel a sense of relief, pride almost….Until you feel splash back, you just got sprayed from the toxic toilet water, it’s a horrible, mind altering feeling. No worries rookie, I have the solution for you. Much like anything in life, moderation is key, dropping your load off at the dump should be no different. Once you begin lowering a turd from the mothership, cut it short, usually 3-4 inches in length, this will reduce splash back. Now repeat process until finished, be sure to watch your safety barrier, make sure it remains securely in place. Wipe properly when done.
The Aloha Snackbar
I consider this technique to be a last resort method. Let’s say you have had a bad case of the runs all day and you get caught off guard and have to make a quick sprint to a restroom, take care to run pigeon toed which will help your ass cheeks secure the load until you reach the drop zone. You reach the restroom, but to your dismay it looks like a satanic cult just performed a sacrifice in there. None of the toilets are clean, there is shit smeared everywhere. Even the stalls have the doors removed as if to torture you.
Now if you are faced with this type of situation, I call it the “End Times” scenario. There is only one course of action which you can take, the Aloha Snackbar method. You take your position at the opening of the stall, drop your pants and bend over. Wrap your left hand thoroughly with toilet paper, don’t be stingy. Close your eyes, with your left hand reach around and release that liquid hell onto your toilet paper protected hand then quickly fling it into the toilet, or as close as possible. Look, this isn’t pretty, you don’t want to be in this situation but you are, so just man the hell up and do it!
Okay my fellow shitters, there you have it, just a few special techniques to help you out in the next difficult situation you find yourself in. Remember you are somebody special, don’t let the ugly stigma of toilet issues get you down. There is no shame in shitting, everyone shits, so just go shit!