Ask An American In Montana Anything…”Help, I’m in a new relationship and I just farted in bed”



So you’re in a relationship and it’s still fairly new, neither of you have really tested the boundaries yet, your both still trying to be on your best behavior to impress the other and then it happens, you’re in bed with your girlfriend/boyfriend and your poor choices of earlier in the day are now coming back to haunt you. You ran for the border for dinner and now you just released an ungodly horrific “FartBellGrande” under the sheets.

Unfortunately, it’s one of those events in life that we wish never happened. You would sell your soul to the devil just to guarantee that it would never happen if you could. I think the accidental release of toxic gas out of your ass is probably one of the more embarrassing things that can happen in a new relationship, it’s awkward and in some extreme cases a relationship killer.

What typically makes the situation so bad is for one it was so unexpected (that can be said for most awkward situations) and secondly, because there is no way of avoiding that putrid, god awful smell that just exited your ass. When it happens in a new relationship it’s almost like God is saying  “I know you two look great together, you get along really well, but here is a stink bomb to ruin your life.”  A nasty fart in a new relationship is life’s way of saying  “Ha Ha Ha I never liked you anyways.”  Also a fart is one of those things you can’t pretend never happened…It would be like Jared Fogle (The Subway Sandwich Guy) insisting he didn’t pay for sex with minors as the court listens to a phone call of him telling a minor he wants her to find another minor for him to have sex with, and the younger the better! The evidence is there, the Stinky 600lb Gorilla  is in the room and it isn’t going away anytime soon.

Alright, so it happened, now what do you do? You could always fall to the floor and play dead like a possum? Maybe blame the other person? Or the classic just pretend your sleeping and have no idea what’s going on? You could do any of these, or all of them, but it won’t change the outcome once that fart has been released. And released it is, just loitering around in your nostrils, bound to haunt you for the rest of your days. Women tend to handle the situation worse, they will stress over the event for weeks to come…It’s been two days since the gas attack and he hasn’t called you back, what do you blame?…The Fart? Maybe you guys go to Walmart together to people watch and then you notice him staring at you, he is giving you a weird look…He has never done that before, is it because of the fart? It’s guaranteed that any future moments of awkward tension will be blamed on that brief moment of ass weakness you had a week ago.

So, back to the moment of the fart, what happens next all depends on how comfortable you are with your victim, who is now so far over on the other side of the bed that they look like they are in another room (they are probably wishing they were) Now you can deal with the incident in one of the following manners….

Be direct. Hopefully your victim isn’t a complete asshole (if you are still unsure yet whether they are or not this will be an excellent way to find out) you can immediately exclaim…”OMG!”  then give them your best sad puppy dog eyes, and say you haven’t been feeling very well all day. Even though this is bullshit, it’s still the direct approach because you’re admitting something horrible just happened and you are taking responsibility for it, mostly. Now, if they are kind, and really into you they will just make light of the situation and move on. If this happens I recommend giving them some extra special attention in the morning, just to make sure they really moved on from the whole horrible incident.

Go Middle School on them, immediately blame them for the fart, they will probably blame you right back, and then you blame them yet again and hopefully you both will eventually give up and blame the Cat. Now let’s be clear here, this only works if there is actually a Cat in the room, a Dog will work just as well, and hopefully the animal is laying on the bed when the Nuke Plant in your ass suddenly has a meltdown. Men seem to do this childish game all the time, so maybe if you’re lucky the guy will just admit he farted …But that is a long shot.

And lastly, just make some extremely off the wall comment directly following the gassing. For example…”Hey did I mention that I cheated on you yesterday”  Or  “Let’s have a threesome tomorrow”  Either of these comments should totally throw the other person off track and they will forget what just happened, even if the sheets are melting away.

To be honest I would suggest you NOT pretend you just fell asleep…unless you let one slip after you two have been lying there for more than twenty minutes. In that case, chances are they are asleep so you don’t even have to worry about it. Otherwise, you will end up doing some crappy acting job pretending that you were asleep and look like a bigger fool. Besides, if you release a stink bomb and then act like it sent you into a coma they might think you are some type of medical freak and dump you anyways.

So the best advice I can give you is be preventative, don’t let it happen at all. Don’t eat crappy foods that will cause you to have gas. If you know it’s going to happen or feel like your bloated run outside real quick and push that noxious gas out before you go back into the bedroom, just say you had to make a private call.

Good Luck and May You Be Gas Free!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s