I really don’t know a good way of saying this so I will just say it, I don’t want to kiss you anymore. Babe, you’re a sweet girl and you have a huge heart and all that, but this just doesn’t feel right. No…of course not, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s…it’s me. I mean, there might be a few things wrong with you. No…I really shouldn’t say what they are…What? Okay fine, if you really want to hear them then let’s do this.
First of all, and don’t take this the wrong way but you have a mustache, and it’s not the light peach fuzz kind, it’s like a full blown Italian macho thing going on above your lip. I have done my best to ignore it, but every time we start to get close, I can’t help but feel like I’m kissing a dude. I mean you seriously look like Tom Selleck. And since I’m trying to grow mine out now it is kind of embarrassing that yours is more impressive than mine, that shit makes me feel self-conscious and I don’t like to feel that way. Honestly, all you needed to do was shave it once in a while, take some scissors and whack it down, something! Then maybe wax it and after that go to some hair removal specialist who does extreme hair removal and let them burn it off with a laser.
Do you want to hear anymore? Okay then….Well, your breath smells like shit. Whenever you talk to me, I can’t even concentrate on what you’re saying because I keep trying not to throw up, sweet jesus is it horrible! Look, you are a sweetie pie and all, but your breath makes me want to take an electric sander and sand my nose off, I’m totally not kidding either….I almost did it the other day. Sometimes when I make you something to eat I slip breath mints into it, remember Friday when I made Spearmint Burritos? Well they didn’t work cause your breath still stunk like fresh dog shit.
Let’s see, oh yeah…Your damn braces keep cutting my lips up. When we start to get worked up I feel like my tongue gets captured by ISIS and it has to run through barbed wire to escape. And when I take it out of your mouth, it’s always bloody and pieces are missing. When you smile, I’m always confused, should I be glad to see you? Or should I run, my brain tells me to run, run for my life. I swear you are related to that guy who played Jaws on the old James Bond movies.
Want me to keep going?…Alright, straight up your cold sores are becoming a huge issue to me. Back when I first met you I thought “This chick has Herpes which means she is a total slut” Turns out that is totally not the case, your cold sores are just ordinary “Non-Slutty” cold sores which is a total turn off. And the reason I never mentioned them before was because your Magnum P.I. mustache was covering them up, but if you’re getting that thing removed then you will need to do the same to those nasty cold sores.
And let’s talk about your nose, its freaky huge, it gets in the way all the time. Every time I go to kiss you it’s like your nose pushes me away, I have to tilt my head at a weird angle just to get close to you. So I would suggest getting some plastic surgery done on it. Or even slam the car door on it a few times, maybe you can knock some of it off so the surgery doesn’t cost as much. I think the only positive thing about your nose is when it’s really sunny out I can get under it for some shade.
Now this might be me acting picky but your tongue is pretty weird, it’s way too skinny. When I kiss you I feel like I have a snake slithering around in my mouth, so yeah, it’s creepy. So you really need to fix it. Maybe you can stick your tongue in a bee hive and let them sting it a few times so it swells up to a more normal size? Do they do tongue implants? Might check with the plastic surgeon when you go get your nose done. Perhaps they can use some of your nose to fashion a new tongue for you. Look, this all might sound harsh, but you have to give a little if this relationship is going to work.
Oh Baby, please don’t cry! Come on, you know I was just kidding, you don’t need to change a thing about you…you are nearly perfect the way you are. I mean your mustache makes you look smart and sophisticated kind of like a Russian dude. And your breath…well it really makes you unique, and being unique is cool these days. The braces actually make you look sweet and childlike, they are adorable, I really, really dig it baby! And those cold sores just make you look extra healthy, like your immune system is working properly and you won’t even have to use Obamacare, people will respect that. And that nose just shows that you can smell stuff further away than I can, and that is a gift, it really is sweetie! Oh and that lovely tongue of yours is sexy, it can let you probe areas other tongues can’t reach, so many things you could probe with that, these are all the reasons I totally adore you!
Oh…What? No, I don’t think we should kiss right now, I recently ate…Would you like some mints?