In The Spirit Of The Pope’s Visit To America, I Made A Deal With The Devil…The Spider That Moved In Downstairs.



I really don’t want to do a bunch of name calling right now, nor do I want to get into the details of why you have illegally entered my home. I don’t care what you’re  “fleeing”  or that you feel oppressed, you invaded my home…Yes, invaded!!

To be honest with you, I can’t stand you or your people, or whatever you call yourselves! I should just step on you right now and be done with it! I don’t want to hear that bullshit that you were here first, again I don’t care!  But I also understand the times we live in and I know your people will keep coming, you will keep coming into my home, so in the spirit of the Pope’s visit to America, and his crazy idea that we Americans should be compassionate and understanding, blah, blah, blah….I guess I will try to work something out with you so we can all live in peace and harmony and shit!

So, let me see if I understand what it is your asking of me, your big ugly ass wants to live here in my basement…. rent free? Well, here is the deal, and I have no idea why I’m even dealing with you but here is how it will go down, you can stay in the basement, I don’t want to ever see you upstairs and if I come down to the basement I expect you to keep your space, basically stay the hell away from me and let me be clear, if you ever go upstairs, I will take my foot and crush your head…got that?

Listen Shithead…I don’t want to see you…period…do you understand?

So I’m just going to assume you will do something useful around here right? Maybe eat some bugs or something? I think that would be a fair deal for you living downstairs rent free. But if you start screwing around down here or make any messes then I’m just going to crush your ass and be done with it, I really don’t need this bullshit in my life right now.

And another thing, I don’t want to see any of those damn webs all over the place down here, remember this is my house, my rules, if you don’t like them then take your shit and get out.

Keep this in mind, if you ever get the urge to come up and complain about the wild parties I have upstairs, with all the half-naked chicks running around ….Eh, who am I kidding that shit never happens, but if you want to complain about me dropping my weights and grunting a lot when I do my exercises then just find another spot to live.

What? Yeah I really don’t care, I’m sure each and everyone one of your little babies are precious and special in their own way, but I still plan to step on everyone one of those little shits if I see them….The deal is, you don’t spawn or whatever it is that you do to reproduce.

And another thing, I don’t want to see any of your creepy little friends stopping by. I saw that big ass Gargantua looking friend of your yesterday, damn thing was a big as my hand. I swear upon everything that is holy I will take a baseball bat and beat the shit out of that thing if I ever see him around here again….got that?

If I ever manage to get a lady to stop by here I better not see you, I don’t want you to ruin any chance of me getting lucky….Yeah, I know it will probably never happen but still, you have been warned.

And lastly, and this is really important so you better listen, if you dare come into my bed or any of my shoes, all bets are off and you are freaking dead!…Do you understand me? Dead!! I will most likely set you and the house on fire if it ever happens, so let’s not even go there!

So there you have it, those are my rules. If you don’t like any of them, you know exactly where you can go…So if you stay, better just keep your ugly ass out of my line of sight.

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