Dear Waitress Or Waiter…Here Are The Reasons I Would Not Tip You!

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I recently went to dinner at a local establishment, I won’t mention the name of the restaurant but let’s just say it rhymed  “Nappy Knees”  and while we were eating the couple at the table next to me kept talking shit about their waitress, even though I doubt it was her fault they were unhappy, I don’t think the waitress cook’s any of the food there. Anyways when the couple left they made it clear they were not tipping her, actually I thought they made a spectacle out of it so that everyone in the restaurant knew they weren’t tipping her , I guess they showed her…And made themselves look like Assholes!

I always tip, usually I over tip. I try to tip the servers fairly well especially if it’s a female (sorry dudes) because it’s a small town and I’m probably going back there at some point and I figure if I leave a good tip each time then my food has a better chance of not being tampered with next time I go in. Plus I figure it’s not the easiest job to do, I certainly would never want to serve someone. I could see myself losing my temper with some rude asshole then end up stuffing a beer bottle down their throat.

So this whole episode got me thinking about what would really have to happen to make me not tip anything to a server? So I thought about it and came up with a few reasons I could justify not tipping my server.

 

 

*If there was a severed human head in my salad.

I could see myself being pretty upset if this scenario happened, I mean it’s not like the server couldn’t have not seen it. So my guess would be the server did it on purpose, maybe it was the cook’s head and the server finally snapped after hearing that last  “order up”  called out to them. So, I’m afraid I would not feel like I needed to tip in this circumstance.

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*If there was a live rat swimming around in my soup.

This too would be one of those situation where I would find it hard to believe the server didn’t see the rat scuba diving in my soup. I would assume this act would have been done on purpose as well. Now even if the rat was uncommonly friendly and maybe it even added a little excitement to an otherwise boring meal, I still wouldn’t be able to get over the fact I was served soup with a rat swimming in it.

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*If the server begins telling me how much I looked like their ex, who just broke their heart.

I believe I would be concerned about my food being tampered with, I’m always worried about that anyways, I have seen enough videos on Youtube to know that some pretty sketchy stuff goes down in the kitchen. And if the server takes the time to point out how much I look like their ex and glare at me as if I was actually their ex…I’m pretty certain my food would be given some special attention.

the ex

 

*If the server uses profanity with me.

If my server is having a bad day before I even get there and when they come to take more order and they ask me in the following manner  “What the fuck do you want to eat?”  then I probably won’t tip them. I mean, I’m all for keeping it real, but when your job depends on your behavior towards customers, then it’s probably best not to start cussing at them. Sorry no fucking tip for you!

WTF

 

*If the server tries to kill me.

Now I think just about everyone can agree on this one, if one minute your server is pouring you a glass of water then the next they are sticking a steak knife in your neck, then I going to say it’s pretty certain that I’m not going to leave you a tip, and NO, I don’t care if you were just having a  “moment”  and that not how you normally serve water to your customers.

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*If your server robs you.

Here is another one that is fair to say most people would agree that no tip is in order. If your server asks you if you would like dessert today, and you say  “No Thank You”  then they pull out a gun and jam it in your ear, while screaming “Give me all your money mutha fukka” perhaps they even shoot the guy in the booth behind you to show you they mean business. So YES, I’m positive I would not tip them, regardless of how well their service was prior to them asking me about dessert.

killer

 

*If the server gave you a disease.

Perhaps your server has a highly contagious disease, and they knew about it but decide to go to work anyways, and half way through my bacon cheeseburger I start coughing and bleeding from my eyes, I’m freaking out trying to figure out what is going on, my server runs over to ask me how I’m doing, coughs and blood starts leaking from their eyes. This would be a clear cut case for me, I would know exactly why I feel the way I do, my server served it to me. No tip for you!

Sick

 

*If the server isn’t even human.

You go to a trendy new restaurant where they decided to do away with servers and replace them with machines, but the machine you get doesn’t like humans, and doesn’t like you most of all, so it purposely messes up your orders, refuses to fix it, so you get up to leave and the machine calls you a name, and warns one day you will be his slave. No tip for the machine. (This is exactly how the machines took over in the Terminator movies, it all started with an angry server machine)

robots

 

*If your server vanishes.

If your server hands you a menu then tells you he will be right back…but he doesn’t come right back, he never returns, he just simply vanishes. And after a few hours you just get up and leave. So technically they only handed you a menu then lied to you. Not really worthy of a tip.

vanish

 

So unless your server happens to do one of these things, I really can’t see a reason not to tip them. Don’t be an Asshole next time you go out to eat…Tip Em’

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