Welcome To The Second Annual Helena Montana Instability Obstacle Course Race….

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Hello and Welcome to the Helena Instability Club, after the success of last year’s race and the overwhelming public interest in holding a second race, we are pleased to announce that this October 15th we will be hosting the Second Annual Helena Montana Instability Obstacle Course Race.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with how this race works, it’s pretty simple, just like we did last year, we set up an obstacle course full of emotionally challenging obstacles. This year our team has put together some physically and mentally challenging hurdles each participant must navigate through, are goal was to make it as thrilling as possible. This year the course was designed by our new Vice President Debbie Bishop who recently found out her husband was cheating on her with her best friend of twenty years, so let’s just say she designed one doosy of a course.

Personally, I don’t think many people will be completing it this year. Debbie said she was trying to capture some of the emotionally damaging feelings she has been put through the last few weeks and wanted to the racers to feel her pain.

So without further ado, may I present to you the Second Annual Helena Montana Instability Obstacle Course Race…

 

Race Overview:

So the participants will start the race by being ushered into Fairgrounds Main building where the lights will be turned off, the participants will sit on the floor in complete darkness, nobody is allowed to talk or you will be removed from the race, so after fifteen minutes of complete darkness and total silence the main exit doors will be opened as sounds of barking dogs and screaming babies begin playing, it will be a mad dash to exits….

Then, as you make your way along the designated road course, we will have volunteers stationed every twenty feet, they will begin confessing their undying love for you, but this is clearly a love you do not deserve, the volunteers then will begin hurling insults at you, they will be addressing any obvious physical flaws in your appearance you each have…I assure you they will be quite brutal in their insults….

Once you reach the first obstacle called  “Abandonment” our volunteers will use the personal information you provided on the race questionnaire to give you a customized “Abandonment”  handout, which goes into great detail the friends and family in your life that have left you, or want to leave you, when possible candid photos of your spouse or loved one will be digitally doctor to show them having affairs with friends or other family members…(Yes, Debbie really spared no expense on this obstacle)

Once you navigate that obstacle your back on the road course which eventually will come to an open field with several marked off courses which you must choose which one is the correct one, our volunteers will be there giving you information on which course to take, some will lie to you, others may tell you the truth, it’s hard to say, our volunteers are as unpredictable as the course. But be warned if you pick the wrong path to follow you will have to stay on it, only one path is the right one, the others will lead you astray…(We do not guarantee your safety if you choose the wrong path, but neither does life so choose wisely)…

If you picked the correct path you will eventually come to the second obstacle called  “Naysayer”  you will be forced to climb a forty foot rope, if you reach the top you ring the bell, but while you are climbing a loud speaker will be blasting messages regarding your physical appearance, there will also be a soundtrack of women laugh at you…

After you complete the rope course, you will follow a special path that has signs posted along the way questioning the purpose of this race and whether you’re even on a race at all…

Then you will reach obstacle three called  “Water Torture” you will jump into a mud pond, swim fifty feet and try to exit the pond, meanwhile our volunteers will be tossing sandbags at you, some will have long sticks which they will try to push you under the muddy water with them, if you make it through this obstacle you will be back on the road course again….

During this stretch of the course we will have volunteers who are in excellent physical shape run along next to you, they will begin telling you how bad you’re doing, how much better they are than you, some may even trip you, anything goes during this part of the course…

You will eventually reach obstacle number four, which we call “Sparta”  here you will be asked to take off your shoes, you will then be blindfolded and told to run, as you are running you will notice there is broken glass along the course, also we will have volunteers with ax handles that will strike you in all the areas of your body that appear to be physically displeasing to them, if you look great then you will probably make it through fairly unscathed…here appearance is everything.

After you make it through that obstacle you can take off your blindfold, you are on the home stretch now, the last mile is a fairly straight forward road race, you will sprint as fast as you can bare foot, along the way our volunteers will be yelling promises of cake and ice cream at the finish line, as you get closer to the finish line you will notice there are no more volunteers on the course, you are alone now, just you and your thoughts, you will eventually come to a sign that reads “Finish Line”  again you will be alone, nobody will be there waiting for you, no race officials, no volunteers, nothing….there will be a small table with a note book, simply write your name on it and go home…

Best of luck!

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