Dear America’s Public,
I would like to introduce myself to you, I am Fukker Durka, the new public relations official for the Iranian Government here in the Americas. You will have to forgive me as my English is not that good, but it will get better in the years to come as I do my part in providing you Americas a false sense of security regarding the Iranian people’s participation in this new Nuclear Deal our governments have worked out.
My duties will be to give my country a public image face lift and help smooth over some of the difficulties that we have faced over the years. For now, You Americas will still be referred to as the Great Satan, but only when we talk about you to our people, the peace loving people of Iran, but when we are dealing with you in formal talks or in the western media we will call you “Our friends the Americas” after all when it comes down to it we both want the same things Peace…But we believe Peace can only come from destroying the Little Satan and some of our neighboring Arab states, but my friends we have time to work out the details.
Now I would be most remiss if I didn’t address an issue which your media seems to talk about often, by the way if you didn’t have freedom of the press you wouldn’t be bothered by such things, that’s why the people of Iran never worry, they just trust the leaders of Iran to do what’s right and they have never failed their people. Anyways, as I was saying, let me address the matter of UN inspections at our peaceful nuclear sites. The Inspectors are welcome to visit any site, at any time, with no limitations to their movements. We just ask that they follow the rules we agreed upon in the “secret” side deal, which clearly says no UN inspectors will be allowed to visit any peaceful nuclear site in Iran. Iranian inspectors will inspect the sites. It’s all about trust, and we trust our Iranian inspectors greatly.
Yes, I must address another misunderstanding, recently a group of UN inspectors tried visiting a site without our knowledge, we don’t think they were aware of the “secret” side deal that was worked out prior to their travels. I regret saying their vehicle had a minor accident on their way to the site. The facts are still unclear even to me but it would seem that a donkey may have ran out in front of their vehicles which caused the driver of the lead vehicle to go off the road, which caused the two vehicles following him to do the same, sadly the lead vehicle must have had a gas leak which caused an explosion which destroyed all the vehicles, killing all the Inspectors. But on a positive note the little donkey survived the accident.
Let me also address what the Iranian Government plans to do with the billions of dollars that will be returned to us as part of this deal. Some in your media claim we will fund and expand our support for terrorist activities around the Middle East and elsewhere. Let me just say this is totally false, we have great plans to invest that money for the well-being of our people. We plan to build the first ever Islamic Theme Park which will look much like your Disneyland except we will have a Camel as our mascot instead of a Mouse. It will be a place our people can go to relax, have fun, go on rides and shoot guns. We also plan on building new schools and universities which foreigners like you people will be welcomed to come and get educated, A real education free from Western influences like facts.
I was also asked to address the incident which recently happened in Yemen, some UN Inspectors found a cache of Surface-to-Air missiles along with other weapons that appeared to be made in Iran. Let me just say the Iranian Government is a Peace loving government and we do not support what is going on in Yemen, so of course that means we would not purposely supply the rebels with weapons. This turns out just to be a simple mistake, we had sent some humanitarian items to Yemen and somehow the weapons were accidently mixed up in the shipment, we were just as shocked as everyone else that we got caught in this mistake. Surely you people can see how that mix-up could happen, haven’t you ever accidently shipped weapons when you meant to ship food and blankets?
Lastly, let me just say I look forward to living here among you Americas as I preform my public relations duties, building a bond of friendship and cooperation among our people’s until the time comes we launch our ICBM’s at you and destroy your towns in the fiery hell that is Nuclear Holocaust. But until that time comes we shall be great friends.
May Peace Be With You,
Iranian Public Relations Department
Great Satan Bureau