Dear Workout Buddy,
This email is to inform you that your recent request to take a few days off from the Gym has been denied. Since I consider going to the Gym to be my job, which means I consider you an employee. So I treated your request like any business would treat such a request by their employee, I sent it to HR (Me) and they reviewed it and determined that we cannot accommodated you at this time.
In the past, with other workout “buddies” I didn’t handle such request’s in a business type manner, they would tell me they need a day off, then another, soon it was apparent that they were becoming workout buddy fuckers. But now, running things in a professional and business like setting it has made things much easier to handle and in turn I help create better “buddies” or employees as I like to call them.
Now since we are on the subject, it has been brought to my attention that the success of this strategy of not allowing employees to take time off from the Gym (work) could fail do to a number of reasons, such as employee morale, increased workout load without sufficient rest in-between workouts, and employees not seeing the benefits of such a workout program. So let me address you directly on this matter, if I released you from your daily workout routine and gave you a few days off there would be a decrease in company productivity and would require an increased workload to catch up from that productivity deficit you would place the company in.
Furthermore, during your last performance review which I secretly gave you yesterday, I have noticed you have been slacking off, spending too much time going to the restroom, constant drink breaks, poor attitude. So in light of this information do you really feel you have earned a few days off? I think not. And let’s not even talk about your Gym Selfie output, we have gone over the requirements several times yet you continually fail to reach your weekly quota, it’s almost like you’re not even trying? Do you not understand the importance of a Gym Selfie?
I also need to address the email your wife sent me today, she made it clear that you are burned out, that when you get home from the Gym all you do is lay on the couch and complain, she said going to the Gym as often as you do is causing a strain in your relationship, she also mentioned that if you do not take the next few days off she will leave you. Will you please inform your wife that I’m sorry she needs to leave but once you signed on with this company as a Gym Buddy you knew the company motto “Weights before Hoes” or in your case the wife. Besides with her leaving you it will free you up even more, we could even fit a third workout into the daily schedule. Again, please tell her she will be missed for me.
Now as far as tomorrows workout goes please contact your Supervisor (Me) tonight so we can go over the times and expectations of tomorrow’s workouts. I have also attached a PDF to this email which goes over the company’s requirements and expectations when it comes to employees and their Gym Selfies, I thought you might need a refresher. Please print it out, read it, sign it, then return it to HR (Me) tomorrow before the workout begins.
Let me end this on a positive note, over the past two months we (Me) have appreciated your commitment to the Gym, you have done so without any expectation other than receiving Gains. When you first started with this company you barely knew your way around a barbell, you lacked form, discipline and commitment. You had horrible eating habits and didn’t even know what Whey or Creatine were. I would hate to see you fall back into that old you, that pathetic you. I understand we all face troubling times in our lives, times when hard choices must be made, priorities set and getting rid of things that don’t fit into your lifestyle, but do the right thing and don’t let that shit interfere with your workouts.
You’re Supervisor/Workout Buddy
PS…Now that your wife is leaving you do you mind if I ask her out?