I couldn’t help but wonder…What If…during the important moments in my life I was shot in the chest at very close range with a Spear Gun? How would it have impacted those moments and the rest of my life? Does anyone else ever think about this?
During My Birth…
My mom is on the delivery table and the Doctor is yelling at her to push, but the Doctor really isn’t paying attention because one of the Nurses is showing him a brand new Spear Gun she got for her trip to Mexico, my mom let’s out a scream which startles the Nurse who accidentally fires the Spear Gun into my mom’s belly striking “pre-birth” me in my tiny little chest, my mom pulls the spear out and delivers me seconds later as a shocked and horrified Doctor and Nurse look on. I almost died from blood loss, but make a miraculous recovery, later I appear on Oprah and the Maury Show, my claim to fame is being the only person ever shot in the chest “pre-birth” with a Spear Gun and live to tell about it.
Just As I Utter My First Words….
I’m at Red Lobster with my family, I’m sitting in a high-chair eating some type of seafood, probably crab, I start making noises and my parents get excited because it sounds like I’m going to say my first words, my dad gets out a video camera to record the moment and just then a Spear Gun hanging on the wall next to us shoots it’s Spear, (yeah I don’t know why it was ready to fire either) it hits me in the chest, just as I utter my first word…Daaaa..ugh. It’s all caught on camera. I survive, but don’t speak another word again until I’m twenty-two.
My First Day Of School….
I get dropped off at school, it’s my first day, I’m nervous but I know nothing will ruin this day for me, suddenly the Spear Gun little Jimmy Edwards brought to school for some reason goes off, the Spear hits me square in the chest and impales me to the wall, there is blood everywhere, panic ensues, Amy Morton freaks out and pee’s herself, then she slips in the pool of blood, the other kids begin to make fun of her, she blames me, we become bitter enemies throughout our years of schooling but later marry and have three kids.
My Very First Kiss….
I’m in second grade and little Stacy Marsh is sweet for me, I have no idea why, heck girls have cooties anyways but Stacy tricks me and said she wants to show me something at her house after school, so I go there with her (I was young and innocent, I had no idea how dangerous women are yet) and in her room she shuts the door, throws me on the bed and forces herself on me, kissing me like a drunken whore, just then her mom bursts in and shoots me in the chest with a Spear Gun. Clearly the entire family was unstable, I survive, but never kiss another woman, until many years of therapy later, I finally feel I won’t die if I do, so I kiss my therapist, he wasn’t amused but I thought it was a breakthrough.
High School Graduation….
As I walk across the stage to receive my hard earned diploma, I see Ms. Johnson staring at me, she was the Librarian who swore she would see to it I would never graduate because she thought I was the one who tore a page out of one of her beloved books, well she couldn’t stop me, here I am graduating, so I wink at her, she becomes enraged, she then pulls out a Spear Gun she had hidden under that heavy coat she was wearing, and she screams some obscenities at me then let’s loose with the Spear, it’s strikes me in the chest. The Principal tackles Ms. Johnson and I stumble over to the podium and grab my diploma, later I went to the hospital and make a full recovery. Years later I mail that page I tore out of the book to Ms. Johnson, she is still in the State Mental Hospital, she didn’t respond.
First Day At New Job….
After High School I get a job at a Dive Shop, my duties are to instruct new divers on how to use the equipment. A very sexy Swedish Model is there wanting to learn how to dive, so as I’m teaching her how to use the equipment she grabs the Spear Gun that was on the table and points it at me, she says in a very sexy voice “So would this stop a shark” and I said of course, I speared one a few weeks ago, this outrages her, turns out she is a PETA member, she then shoots me in the chest with the Spear Gun, and again in her sexy voice “How does that feel?” I say it hurts…Later she comes to visit me at the Hospital, she apologizes, she said that she over-reacted, later we start dating, and get married, I have never been happier.
Oh yeah, your probably wondering how the kittens fit into all this, well they don’t, I just added that because kittens are just adorable.