The deadly art of finger poking has long been one of the most lethal martial arts, and some say the most difficult to master. Grand Finger Master Moe “The Stooge” Howard, once said to be a true practitioner of the finger art you have to be born with fingers. Truer words have never been spoken. A little known fact about the deadly art of finger poking, is that some of Hollywood’s biggest names have all been taught by Grand Master Howard, celebrities are constantly being stalked and hounded by crazed fans so they need to be able to protect themselves.
Zach Galifianakis once said that he found the Deadly Art of Finger Poking to be the source of truth and inner peace. He starts each day with hand exercises, which help strengthen his grip and make his fingers as strong as steel spikes. Zach regularly demonstrates his talents by breaking wooden boards and small ceramic birds with his fingers. There is a rumor that while filming one of the Hangover movies he and Bradley Cooper got into an argument and Zach was forced to defend himself, he used the deadly finger technique of “Bowl Expulsion” which is where a practitioner of the arts uses his index finger to strike his enemy in the large intestine area causing his enemy to involuntarily discharge a bowl movement. Bradley Cooper would not return my call, so I could not confirm this rumor….But we will just assume it’s true.
Reality TV star Snooki is rumored to have mastered the twenty principles of the deadly fingers. During the filming of her reality show Jersey Shore, Snooki was involved in a bar fight, she was attacked by a drunk woman and her boyfriend. Snooki engaged the drunk woman with the first principal of the deadly fingers which is Koometi (talk to the hand), then she jumped to principle eleven Protecti (bitch slap) and finished her off with principle twenty Meyeti (eye gouge) when the drunk woman’s boyfriend came to her rescue, Snooki used principle sixteen Balleti (testicle slap) which quickly incapacitated him. Later Snooki was arrested for assault.
While on a promotional tour of Kenya, actor Gordon Levitt’s bus was attacked by the terrorist group called Boko Haram, they had planned on taking Levitt and the other westerners in his group as hostage’s and making a video of their execution. But Levitt had other ideas, he single handedly fought off the terrorists, killing four of them with just his fingers and rolled up Us Weekly magazine. The movie studio wanted to keep the whole incident under wraps because they were worried that the possible negative publicity would affect ticket sales to his new movie “Snowden”.
It is even rumored that the late President Ronald Reagan, learned the deadly finger arts while he was in Hollywood. I feel Reagan was one of our greatest President’s and I have it on good authority that he used his mastery of the deadly finger arts to win the Cold War and brought down the U.S.S.R single-handedly by taking Gorbachev in a private room of the White House and told him if he didn’t tear down the wall in East Berlin he would rip out Gorbachev’s eyeballs with his index finger, and the rest is history.
Another famous celebrity who mastered the deadly finger art is Bill Murray. Today he is well known as a fun loving, party guy who shows up at random places and hangs out with normal people. But there was a time back in the early 80’s that Murray was one of the most feared men in Hollywood, he had a short fuse and even shorter patience with other celebrities, if they didn’t get their lines right, or messed up a scene he was known to finger knee-cap unsuspecting co-stars. Chevy Chase once said that a single finger blow from Murray would be enough to change the complexion of any race. Needless to say Murray has calmed down these days but he still is a force to be reckoned with.
The deadly finger art is still practiced in Hollywood, but today’s practitioners are more secretive and rarely acknowledge the art form, but late at night in the back alley’s around the Hollywood Hills you can find groups of celebrities practicing their skills. And just last week TMZ reported that Ellen DeGeneres was named the new Hollywood Grand Finger Master, she will no doubt carry on the tradition of training Tinsel Town’s rising stars in the deadly art for years to come.