I Went To The Real Food Store And Then My Weekend Went To Hell…



I had a pretty strange weekend, after I got home from shopping at the Real Food store and for reasons I cannot divulge, I became trapped inside my home unable to leave, it is possible they are involved, I’m still trying to work out all the details. Thankfully, I continued to journal over the weekend, perhaps it was my way of documenting what was going so that whomever might find my remains might know what happened or perhaps it was just muscle memory since I journal everyday anyways, regardless here are my journal entries for this past weekend.

Maybe you can help me figure out what happened….


Saturday, September 5th, 2:40 pm

I went to the Real Food store to pick up some needed items, I sampled a strange looking brownie I saw sitting on the counter in a zip-lock bag, after a while I recall standing in the grains aisle, not sure how long I had been there, then an employee approached me, she stared at the symbol on my shirt for a few seconds, then she asked me if I was aware that little Asian children were forced to sew clothing for that company by hand, they worked 30 hour days, and only ate leftover material they cut from the clothing, then she walked away making a deliberate “swoosh” sound. I quickly made it to the checkout lane, I could see other employees were also staring at my shirt, they were judging me, and as I paid for my items the cashier gave me my change and grabbed my hand, not letting go until she looked me in the eyes and said “Just Do It” then she laughed, by the time I made it home it was raining, I took off my wet clothing and laid on the floor trying to make sense of the Real Food experience.


Saturday, September 5th, 8:20 pm

I found another brownie in my bag of groceries, it was also in a zip-lock bag, I felt compelled to eat it, even though common sense told me otherwise, was the brownie from the clerk who told me to “just do it?” did she mean for me to eat it? So I ate it, everything seems fine, I started eating the Real Food burrito I bought from the deli, my stomach is feeling weird, also it’s raining heavier outside, my cat is hiding under my bed, she is making a weird moaning sound or am I making that sound? I also just noticed my hardwood flooring is not hard anymore.

Also…my house had a downstairs earlier today but I cannot find the stairs anymore?


Saturday, September 5th, 11:13 pm

My house seems smaller, I have been sitting on the couch for the last two hours I think, just watching the house shrink around me, could it be because of the rain? And the rain is still raining, I fear a flood  may happen, so I duct taped some pillows around me so I would float, I tried to do it to my cat as well but I can’t find her, I fear the worse. I feel restless, I want to go for a walk but I cannot find the door knobs, they are missing from both my doors, this may have happened when I fell asleep briefly while watching the house shrink, my heart tells me someone at Real Foods did this to me, all because of that damn shirt and those Asian kids….Wait, maybe the Asian kids did this? I later decide to organize my important papers, turns out I only have one important paper so I move it from one file and put it another.

Later…My cat showed up, I think she has been smoking, when I asked her about it she ignored me, she never does that, why is she doing this to me?


Sunday, September 6th, 1:34 am

According to the rebroadcast of the ten o’clock news, San Francisco is under water, the west coast is in dire straits, I sat in amazement as the “Rock” rescues his daughter from a building, I brace for the worse. It’s still raining out, I can’t see out my windows because someone covered them in sheets, not sure if it was me who did this, things are getting weird, I’m so tired. Back to the news, the “Rock” just jumped a massive wave in his boat and made it to safety, I feel better knowing this for some strange reason. I try to log on to Facebook, I think my computer is actually a box of saltines but somehow it’s working. I send a few private messages to some women on Facebook, I’m sure they won’t respond they are probably having intimate relations right now, do I mean sex? Why would I say intimate relations? I begin to feel sorry for myself as I sit here alone, during the storm of the century, I consider turning to porn in a desperate act of self-pity but my modem suddenly starts moving, I can’t catch it, it’s hissing at me, why would my modem hiss at me?

I stand up, I notice I still haven’t put clothes on since I got home, as I go into the bathroom I notice the toilet seat is down, who would do that? Also there is toothpaste smeared on the mirror, it looks like someone spelled  “REAL”  what does that mean? The Real Food store?


Sunday, September 6th, 2:45 am

I really should go to bed, I’m so tired, but I can’t find my bed, but I have been doodling, I have drawn 134 eyeballs and 4 brownies.


Sunday, September 6th, 7:30 am

I think I slept a few hours after all, it’s still raining out, the sun looks like it might be coming up…oh, no that’s my lamp. I still can’t find the door knobs, but I did find a moth that I have been searching for a few days ago, it appears it didn’t find a way out either, is this my fate? On the TV the weatherman says the conditions outside will not only kill you but wash away all evidence of your existence, I notice later the TV wasn’t even on, am I the weatherman?

I eat a bowl of hot oatmeal, I have no idea how it got hot but I’m thankful. As I eat I admire the writing on the wall next to me, it appears to be someone’s last will and testament, I wonder who would write their will on my wall? And they didn’t even leave me anything, so rude. I hear a voice behind me, it is telling me not to turn around, so I turn around and I don’t see anyone just my cat is sitting there, staring at me, I ask her to come sit with me but she walks away, she didn’t even acknowledge me, she never does that, why is she doing this to me?


Sunday, September 6th, 9:26 am

I find my eyeball doodles spread out on the living room floor, I can’t help but think that these eyeballs need names, I know I must name them, they deserve a name, I have the power, I am their Creator!


Sunday, September 6th, 11:42 am

It’s still raining out, I know this because I took down the sheets someone put over my windows, I see nothing but water, I wonder if things get really bad will the “Rock” find me in time? I decide to take a shower, I figure this is how most normal people start their days, I want to be one of them, so that is exactly what I do. I find my cat and I figure she would like to be normal too so I bring her in the shower with me, she seems excited, almost giddy with joy, bouncing around making happy noises, I notice the water in the tub is turning red, my cat finally has enough and finds a way out. Why is the water turning red? My legs are starting to hurt, I feel light headed, I will make this a short shower.

Turns out my cat shredded my legs, I nearly bled to death, she has never done this to me before, plus she has never showered before, what is going on?


Sunday, September 6th, 1:37 pm

I decide to organize my silverware by distance from the sun, also I don’t have silverware, they are all plastic.


Sunday, September 6th, 3:40 pm

I’m starting to get hungry so I grab some bread and cheese, I want to toast the bread so I try using my mind to toast the bread, this has never worked in the past, why am I trying it again? Finally I eat a cheese sandwich…untoasted. I notice all my furniture is stacked up against the far wall, did I do this? I also find a few eyeball doodles on the kitchen counter, I didn’t doodle these, where did they come from? I wonder if they already have names.


Sunday, September 6th, 4:20 pm

I’m wondering why no one has called to check on me. I check my phone and notice the battery has been removed and there is an eyeball doodle in its place. I find the battery, it was shoved into an orange in the fruit basket on the counter, I put it back in the phone, I place the eyeball doodle back into the orange, I figure there must be balance.


Sunday, September 6th, 6:45 pm

My phone rings, as I answer it I hear a woman laughing, she asked me if I  “Just Did It” and then tell me to think of the children next time….Suddenly, I don’t know why I’m breastfeeding my TV remote…

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