Okay, if I could get everyone’s attention please…Excuse me what did you say? Well I will tell you why we are eating here, first of all because I’m buying so it’s my call and secondly, Panda Express has fantastic Asian food at a decent price, that’s why, now sit down and shut up. Alright, where was I…Ah, Yes, so I just wanted to let all of you know why I brought you out here for dinner today. Well, yes well sort of, I mean, I brought you all to Panda Express because the food at this joint is my favorite, but I wanted you all here at the same time so I could discuss a few things, What? I disagree the food is not that bad, but if you don’t like it then don’t eat it. Huh? I have no idea why they went with a Panda instead of a Tiger, listen can we stop talking about Panda Express for a few minutes goddammit!
Alright then, moving on. Let me just say, I like you guys a lot. And as far as personal demons go, I’m not sure I could do much better than this group right here. Over the years we have shared some great times, haven’t we? Hey where is Authority Issues at? Oh, there he is coming out of the bathroom. Hey “AI” do you remember the time you and me and Impulse Control were partying on the Colorado River back in 88’, we were juiced up on those California Coolers, and you dared me to go hop on that jet ski and go for a spin but it was so dark we ran into a boat and almost drowned? Then that cop showed up and wanted me to do a field sobriety test, Impulse egged me on to take a swing at him cause “AI” didn’t like him at all…Ahh, that night was a lot of fun, I couldn’t have done any of it if it wasn’t for you two.
Hold on…where the hell did Abandonment Issues go? He was right here just a second ago? What? Really? He said what? He didn’t have time for this shit so he just got up and left? Well, honestly it doesn’t surprise me, but really it is totally cliche don’t you think guys? I mean out of all of you he totally falls into the stereotype. No Anger Issues, I doubt that’s why he really left, the food is really good in my opinion.
Alright so as I was saying, we have all had some great times together, but you reach a point in life where you need to re-evaluate the kind of people that you hang out with. And that’s where I’m at, I need to figure out what’s best for me moving forward, I really have to get my life in order. Over the past three months I have been fired from six jobs, and arrested three times…Dammit, Anger Issues are you listening to me? Arrested three times and fired six times all in three months? What the hell!
Look I don’t want to put the blame entirely on you guys, but it really doesn’t help that I’m hung-over every morning…Yes, I’m looking at you Alcohol Addiction! No, I don’t think I’m being singled out because I’m bald, nice try Hair Issues and please stop brushing your hair over my food.
Hey, will you stop hitting on the waitress for one second, Possible Sexual Addiction! Can’t you see she is married? Yeah, I know that’s never stopped you before, but do you remember the mess from the last married woman you got involved with…that’s right, so sit down… Thank You!
What am I getting at? Well, I am saying I would like to get some stability in my life. I can’t even remember the last time I had a girlfriend for more than a week or two. And let me just stop for a second and give a huge Thank You to Fear of Commitment, buddy you have saved my ass more times than I can count…Again, Thanks! Ha Ha, Yes that one with all those damn cats was a total nut job, great call on your part. But I have also pushed away my fair share of winners as well, and let’s face it, it’s not like the ladies are throwing themselves at me, so I really need to get myself together or I will be old and alone, talking to pigeons in the park.
So what I need to do is just come out and say it, I don’t think we should see each other anymore…Jesus Christ, of course I know how you feel Anger Issues, but throwing your sweet and sour chicken across the restaurant isn’t helping your case any. Now stop it! Seriously dude you are making a scene and I don’t want to get kicked out of the Panda. What? No I doubt we could find better food out in the parking lot, so sit your ass down!
Wait, what is that piece of paper? Her phone number? What did I say about that Possible Sexual Addiction? I told you to stop flirting with the waitress, she is married, you will never learn will you?
No, I don’t want you to cut him, put the knife down Impulse Issues, I will handle it my way thank you very much!
Hold on, who the hell are you? And why are you trying to take my food? Lack of Self-Confidence? What the hell are you doing here? I thought we stopped hanging out back in middle school? What? Anger Issues told you to show up? Anger you are a dick!
I tried really hard to make this meeting go as smooth as possible, but you all are just too much to deal with. So I am going to need you to stop trying to contact me, I want you all just to leave me the hell alone! I will be much happier without you guys in my life.
Excuse me, No we will not be doing that Authority Issues, besides you can’t dine and dash at Panda Express, we paid for the food first, grow up! Yes, I understand stand your desire to stick it to the man, but do you really think Panda Express qualifies as the “The Man?” It’s just a shitty little restaurant okay, yes, fine it’s true alright. We never should have come here in the first place.
Okay guys, please everyone just calm down! No, I don’t feel bad about what I said about Panda Express. Honestly, Lack of Self-Confidence why are you still here? Alright, I need to get going so let’s wrap this up. Authority Issues you are paying me back for the food you threw. Anger Issues, I have no idea where that baseball bat came from but you need to put it away before they call the cops. And I swear on everything holy, if you don’t stop flirting with that waitress Possible Sexual Addiction I’m going to take Anger’s bat and beat you to death!
I can’t believe what a disaster this whole thing was, does this shitty Panda place even serve booze? Where is did Alcohol Addiction go? I know he probably has a fifth stashed somewhere.