First of all let me thank all of you that bothered to show up this morning as we mourn the loss of something that was near and dear to all of us…My three-week relationship with Beth D. or as we all now refer to her as “Dream Wrecker Beth”
Most of you were as shocked as I was when the relationship ended, especially those of you who were close to us and saw the absolute beauty in what a real gym relationship looked like. I will be honest, I’m still in shock, as I look back on our relationship, I can’t help but think of the good times we shared: Week One. I must also think of our troubling times: Week Two and of course what turned out to be the beginning of the end: Week Three (We really didn’t talk much during Week Three, but I really thought we were still together)
Our relationship had a storybook beginning. As most of you gym bro’s know Beth and I worked out at the same times, the mornings, the time when the gym is filled with gym heroes, flex monsters and mirror divas (I consider myself all three of those things). Anyways since we both worked out at the same times it allowed for us to strike up a friendship, it was clear to both of us that we shared common interests, weights, muscles, sweat, gym memes on Facebook.
We shared stories while walking on the treadmill together, she told me about her vast knowledge of Arnold Trivia, she could name every movie he was in and nearly memorized every famous one-liner he had, I must admit I was hooked at that moment.
So our relationship really blossomed at the gym, the gym was our special thing. But now during this period of bereavement, otherwise known as Week Four, working out at the same times no longer seems like such a great thing as it once did. The daily reminders of this loss make it difficult to grieve appropriately and to be able to move on. This is most evident when I’m on the treadmill and she is no longer beside me, instead she is walking next to Bill M…or as we now call him “Douchebag Bill” he is no bro. Watching them laugh as they walk really eats a hole in my heart. And honestly look at Douchebag Bill…no way can he bench more than me…total downgrade if you ask me.
Anyways, as we all know, the relationship came to a tragic end. I mentioned Week Three did I not? That particular week was filled with the pains of longing and separation. And by that I mean there was no texts or Snapchats returned by “Dream Wrecker Beth” to yours truly. You may even be surprised to hear that she “unfriended” me on Facebook that week as well, then she “blocked” me? What kind of monster does that?
Something else I found out on Week Three, the county medical examiner’s office will not perform autopsies on relationships, no matter how many requests you submit. If you find this to be an outrage like I did, please consider protesting outside the County Courthouse (I don’t know where they preform autopsies at but the Courthouse seems like a good place to start) I will be with you in spirit my friends, but not in person, sadly I am no longer allowed within 500 feet of the courthouse, they are still angry about me protesting against about Gluten there last month.
So what truly ended our relationship? To me the cause is still unclear. A few fellow gym bro’s have speculated on the topic. And they suggested things like: 1) A profound lack of chemistry 2) Because I sung Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” on our second date. 3) She was out of my league. 4) And that whole “It just wasn’t meant to be” bullshit thing.
Well my personal analysis of the relationship indicates that the real death knell came about on Friday of Week Two, when we left for a “romantic” getaway. Earlier in Week Two she suggested several different “romantic” places for us to go, and she kept hinting about all these different places she wanted to eat, and how much she enjoyed being “wined and dined” as she said it was a good indicator of how “romantic” a guy is. Well, I did my best to make all this happen for her, but apparently Motel 8 is not “romantic” at all, Hey, I could have gone with Motel 6, but I was trying to impress her, I guess I failed. And when it came to “wining and dining” she was clearly unimpressed by Golden Corral, no matter how many times I told her it was all you can eat she still didn’t enjoy it.
I learned a valuable lesson at the end of Week Two, when women mention the word “romantic” what they are really telling you is they except you to take out a bank loan to “wine and dine” them. I can’t help but think businesses like Hallmark and FTD Flowers are partly to blame, not to mention fake holidays like Valentine’s Day and Anniversaries, they raise the bar so high for regular guys that it really just becomes unfair.
But let’s not dwell on the past anymore, and instead look to the future. There were many gym bro’s in the gym that saw this relationship as a bastion of hope. Yes, hope for true love, but also hope for gym bro’s of only moderate attractiveness like myself who yearned to date gym girls of higher attractiveness. Believe me, for gym bro’s who have only been able to date average looking gym girls to finally score with a totally hot gym babe…This relationship was all that, it gave hope to so many gym bro’s!
And to the gym girls out there who would be discouraged by the untimely death of this beautiful gym romance, I have the same words for you…but only different…
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…
I wrote that part last night. It is supposed to make you think of a mythological Phoenix as it rises from the ashes of a broken gym romance. Much like I did, I was laying on the floor of my living room, naked, I hadn’t showered all weekend. I was lying next to an empty shaker bottle and a bowl of homemade trail mix. I was watching the one of Arnold’s best romantic movies “Pumping Iron” his love affair with the weights and sex with women made me finally see hope, so I crawled from the living room over to my laptop, which I left downstairs (I have rug burns you will never believe) So I started working on this Eulogy, I realized that, though this might seem like a dark time, I will not fear evil and evil in this case is “Dream Wrecker Beth” I will forge ahead with the faith that there are plenty of hot gym girls out there wearing tight yoga pants, who are relationship minded, and wouldn’t be unhappy staying at a Motel 8 or being “wined and dined” at a Golden Corral.
Well, okay Dan and Ezra your weeping is starting to make me feel uncomfortable, so I will just wrap this Eulogy up by saying, let us all take solace in this fact, my brief relationship may have breathed it’s last breath, but it will forever live on in all of our collective memories. I can honestly say, in my heart of hearts, I gave it my best, I gave it my all, I lifted, I laughed, I loved and Beth is just a bitch.