I Have A Vacation Rental In Beautiful Helena, Montana…You Should Really Come Check It Out!



Just want to put this out there for anyone looking for a nice vacation rental, in the  “Honolulu of the North”  the  “Cultural Center of the North West”  the world famous Helena, Montana.


Property Description:

It’s an adorable house, great location, some call the area the  “Heart of Helena”  located just a short distance away from a popular tourist spot called  “God’s Love”  a place where many of the Bohemian Crowd enjoy frequenting.  And if the Nightlife scene is more your thing, you are within a brief walk to some very popular Nightclubs, with DJ’s and Live Music.  If Country Western suits your fancy, there are some Rough and Tumble country bars as well, so wear your  “Shit Kickers”  because you will need them with this country crowd.  But no matter where you visit in our lovely downtown area you will get the undeniable sense that you should keep a close watch on your personal belongings.

If you’re into the Outdoors, the roof above the Dining Room has a small-adult sized hole in it. If you prefer staying Indoors, the Refrigerator is nearly Airtight.  And best of all if you enjoy listening to Chinese Folk music until three in the morning then this truly is the perfect home away from home for you. Also since the indentured staff of a local Chinese eating establishment live next door, you might even get Free Meals for, just don’t leave your pets unattended in the yard.

If you enjoy walking, well you can walk freely in any direction during daylight hours. If you wanted to walk at night, well we suggest that you don’t. The city offer’s a bus service, and if you rent the vacation home we will throw in several bus passes, I will leave them in the top desk drawer in the study, next to the loaded handgun, and inside the black vinyl case labeled  “Private Recordings of Previous Guests.”  Feel free to watch the videos as well, some of them are pretty racy.

The vacation home has a large master bedroom, with plenty of space where a bed should be. There is also a good sized living room that currently has a migrant family living in it, don’t worry they are under strict orders not to make eye contact with the guests or speak to them, so it’s almost like they’re not even there, unless one of the babies start’s crying, but we all know how hard it is to keep babies quiet. There is a half-bath (sadly a previous guest stole the other half) and the front door is not the type that locks, so you won’t have to worry about carrying keys around with you. I will provide a set of sheets (probably clean), a dish towel, and two snare traps you can use to catch the rabbits that infest the front yard, that’s also free dinner as well.  Word of caution, don’t put anything in the freezer, I’m still trying to figure out why it keeps catching fire.

There is a washer and dryer included with the rental, but they are located at the laundry mat across the street. Feel free to use the garden in the back of the house, but do not touch any of the plants, I have been told they are fairly poisonous, including the one that is in the living room. There is a key under the mat of the back door, it’s for the house next door, if there is a red car in the driveway don’t go in there that guy is nuts, but he has a microwave that works.

There is free Wifi so you can get on the internet, the password is “Bigblackdildos” unless the neighbor changed it again, in which case the laundry mat has wifi as well.  If you would like tips on things to do with your free time in the area, go into the hall closet and there is a box that has dozens of my unsold copies of a self-published area guidebook. Some of the listings might not be accurate or even for the city of Helena, I was going through a difficult period when I wrote that guidebook. Just be aware of your surroundings at all times is the best advice I can give you.


Included Amenities…

Glass in most of the windows

Electrical Wiring

Kitchen Sink

Doors (fist size holes in some)

Handicapped Person Accessible and Included (in basement)


Vacation Rental Rules…

Do not remove plastic cover from pillows (I can’t return them if opened)

No parties…Unless you invite me and guarantee a  “hook-up”

Do not touch the video cameras

No sexual activities …Unless in a room with a video camera

Do not call the police for any reason.

Again, No Cops!

There is a $500 damage deposit required.

You will not get your deposit back, period.

Pack all your trash out with you.


I have taken the liberty to include several reviews that previous guests have posted on Yelp.

“The house was exactly as described except for the address and the unmistakable odor of death that seeped up through floor. I was too afraid to go downstairs and look, but the migrant family living in the living room told me it was just were they kept chickens. Also the blood on the bathroom walls looked like it had been there awhile. Owner responded fairly quickly to all our emails.”

“Despite the repeated warnings of several young gang members who hung out in front of the house, My Cracker Ass was not murdered during my stay there. And aside from the occasional random gunshot, oh and the raid by the SWAT team, the stay was enjoyable. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“My stay was satisfactory except for the infestation of rabbits, several of them had rabies. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“Owner left a nice bouquet of flowers on the table when we arrived. However, later they disappeared. The migrant family in the living room said the owner had a date tonight and needed them back. Otherwise great place to stay, sure a great break from back home in Detroit. Owner responded quickly to emails.

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