This is going to be hard for me to write, but it’s time I come clean and hopefully by letting the world know about my issues I can find some help with the substance problem I have developed the last forty or so years. So please anyone who reads this if you have constructive and realistic feedback please feel free to offer it.
So where do I begin? I would say for as long as I can remember I have been chasing a demon, but honestly it just isn’t one demon, it’s two. It has become pretty clear to me, and to others who know me that I’m an addict, I consume my time trying to feed my habit, I really don’t know what to do, the only two things that seem to make me happy anymore are the chemicals I can’t get enough of…Serotonin and Dopamine.
I have talked to other addicts, who have been hooked on “Sero and Dopa” and they say it’s almost impossible to get off the stuff, once you feel that “high” you never want to be without it, so you spend the rest of your life chasing those demons. It is odd to look back on my life especially the last three years and it seems whenever I was having fun, living in the moment, chasing my dreams I was on the stuff, it’s a junkie’s life I’ve been living. I really don’t feel like I can enjoy anything anymore unless I’m releasing some Serotonin and Dopamine through the synapses of my brains circuitry to generate that neuropsychological perception of pleasure, I’ve been on the stuff way too long to even know what life would be like off the stuff.
Yesterday someone asked me how long and how much am I using? Well if I just go back about three years I know I have been using every day, Yes, every damn day! And it’s not just for minor occasions like being happy with my life, even normal stuff I find myself getting “high” like recalling fond memories of my kids or just breathing and moving my arms and legs, it’s crazy, seems like I find any excuse these days to keep using.
Why didn’t I come clean long ago? Well to be honest I didn’t think I had a problem, classic addict’s mentality. We don’t have the problem YOU have the problem, and partly I just didn’t think most people would understand, it’s a pretty complex addiction to explain to someone who doesn’t have a good grasp on how their body works. Hell, even some of the best neuroscientists don’t fully understand the chemicals and the effects they have on us, so that’s why I have kept it a secret for so long.
So don’t judge me unless you truly understand what I’m dealing with, I’m honestly trying to get it under control.
And before you say it. No, it’s not just some phase I’m going through. When I wore skinny jeans and polo shirts, that was a phase, this is something I’ve been dealing with my whole life. My Mom even said I abused them in utero, but I guess that’s open for debate…Maybe I was just happy in there and thankful she didn’t take me to Planned Parenthood!
All I can say is…I’m Sorry for anyone I’ve let down, but I will do my best to make amends.
It’s hard for me to come clean like this, it’s forces me to look at all the times I acted the fool while being jacked up on the stuff, especially embarrassing being around the people who are close to me and being “high” as a kite. Man, everything I’ve ever done where I looked happy, you know that look, the wide eyes, flashing the teeth, the jokes, the laughter, all that energy…I was using. I can’t name an occasion when I wasn’t, at the gym…oh man, I’m always flying high at the gym. Even yesterday, playing basketball with my kid I was jacked up on the stuff.
Some of you might suggest I go cold turkey, If I did that I would most certainly go into a coma state and probably develop late-stage Parkinson’s or something, I still have so much living to do, so many goals to achieve, so I just can’t go cold turkey. Besides I knew a guy who knew a guy who tried to go cold turkey, but he couldn’t because the medical procedure for isolating and degrading specific neurotransmitters doesn’t even exist yet, that’s right, that’s how far behind the medical field is in treating this type of addiction. It almost gives the addict’s like me no other choices but to keep using, to keep chasing the demons.
I mean when you really think about it, this isn’t my fault. The scientific complications remain prohibitive…Oh man, I’m sorry, that is the addict talking again, not taking responsibility for my own actions.
Where do I get my stuff? What, so you can get some for yourself?…Sorry, addict joke.
I said I’m sorry!
I’m sure there are a lot of people out there judging me right now, calling me just another junkie, but let’s be real, don’t try and act like you didn’t use Dopamine and Serotonin when you were my age, or any age as far as that goes!
Sure some of you might say you never felt happiness or found anything new and exciting in your life, but I’m sure at some point you did, maybe when you were a kid you hit the stuff on the playground, so don’t act holier than thou now.
Well, now that I have come clean, I can only hope people rally around me and help me through this process, I don’t know what the future holds for me, but with your support I know I can make it.