Life…Do You Feel Lucky Today?…Well Do Ya Punk?

ererager

 

Life is fragile, Life is precious, and Life can be over in the blink of an eye. If you stop and think about it, there are a lot of creative ways death can visit you during the day….

 

I could have woke up, rolled out of my bed, hit my head on the nightstand, and died ….naked.

I could have woke up, rolled out on the other side of my bed, hit my head on the other nightstand, and died …naked.

I could have woke up, walked into the bathroom, tripped, hit my head on the toilet, and died…still naked.

I could have gotten out of bed, started doing my morning stretching and accidentally tear all the ligaments from my body and my femoral artery snaps, I bleed to death while still maintaining my morning stretch position because all my ligaments tore away…and I’m still naked.

I get out of bed, walk into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, and think to myself  “Damn, it would suck to have a heart attack and die right now,”  then of course it happens, and I die…naked.

As I walk from my bed into the bathroom, I accidentally trip on my cat, which enrages her, she scratches me, deep, very deep, I begin bleeding, profusely. I convince myself it’s not really that much blood, but in the back of my mind I know I haven’t seen this much blood in my entire life. I pass out and die…naked.

I begin to brush my teeth, accidentally swallow the toothbrush, begin choking, pass out, and die…naked.

I get into the shower, I look at my Mr. Bubble bottle and chuckle to myself, momentarily lose my balance because of the Mr. Bubble residue from yesterday’s bath, miraculously stop myself from falling, start to feel a sense of relief, say to myself  “Wow, you really dodged a bullet there,”  immediately slip again, snap my neck on the bath tub ledge, and die…naked.

During my shower, I drink a ton of water, begin drowning, and die…naked.

During my shower, there is a freak water pressure change, it suddenly becomes extremely intense, my head gets blown clean off, and I die…naked.

During my shower, my cat comes into the bathroom, she jumps onto the toilet and flushes it somehow, I get freaked out, I have a heart attack, and die…naked.

After my shower, I reach for my towel, something really horrible happens, and I die…naked. (I wasn’t able to think of anything for this one, just go with it)

I leave my house, I check to see if I have my keys and wallet, I begin patting myself down, I still don’t think I have them so I begin patting harder and harder, I pat myself to death, and I die…finally I have clothes on.

I step out of my house to go to the gym, I see my sweet little neighbor lady and I say hello, she pulls out a gun and blows my brains out, turns out she never really liked me, and I die.

I leave my house and drive to the gym, I get into a massive car accident on the way there, my torso and head get crushed by a cement truck, also my neighbor lady who was in the car behind me gets crushed too, we both die. (I’m upset with her for shooting me still)

I get to the gym parking lot, I get out of my car, begin walking across the lot, I get run over by everything imaginable, and I die.

I get in the gym, feeling frisky, go with 4 scoops of pre-workout, my heart explodes, I die.

I’m on the treadmill, I see a pretty girl walk by, I lose focus, trip and get sucked underneath the treadmill, I die, mostly of humiliation but I still die.

I am doing bicep curls, I show off to a pretty girl, toss the weight in the air to catch it, I miss, it crushes my skull, and I die.

I’m on the leg press machine, I feel a twitch in my eye, I forget what I’m doing, get crushed by the weight, and I die.

I’m on the bench press, no spotter, that’s how I roll, lose my grip, get decapitated, and I die.

I sitting on a yoga mat, stretching, I…and umm…I have a deep vein thrombosis? That’s a thing right? Well I die from it anyways.

I leave the gym, walking back to my car, I trip on a shaker bottle someone left on the sidewalk, I land on an axe, and I die. (Why is there an axe just lying in the parking lot? Great question, I hope the authorities find out, I’m dead so I can’t)

As I drive back home, I stop at the gas station to get some gas, the guy next to me is filling up his car too, turns out his wife left him this morning, he got fired yesterday as well, and I happen to look like the guy his wife ran off with, he sprays me down with gasoline, tosses a match on me, I become a flaming running man, I get hit by another cement truck, I die.

I am driving home, I am jamming out to Ice Ice Baby, I get sleepy, carbon monoxide is filling the car, I run head on into a cement truck, and I die.

I get home, pull up in front on my mail box, get out to check the mail, and then my old neighbor lady accidentally crashed her car into me, pinning my body against my car, the police arrive, they say the only thing keeping me alive and in one piece is being pinned against my car. I ask the cops if this is how Mel Gibson’s wife died in the movie Signs, none of them remember, but I know it’s definitely how she died. Anyways, I die.

I get home from the gym, and as I shut my front door I forget the disarm code to my homemade alarm system, the whole house explodes, and so does my neighbor’s house, we all die.

Before I go to bed, I heat up some protein shake, it helps me fall asleep, but since everyone tells me it’s weird that I do this, I die in my sleep.

I turn my bedside light on, so I can read a book, but I get hungry, I don’t want to get out of bed, so I eat the book, I choke to death on Chapter 7.

While I slowly start to fall asleep, I realize I have to go pee, I pee in the bed, I forget my laptop is on the bed, I get electrocuted, and I die.

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