The Best Teacher Is An Armed And Deadly One!




I often tell people that our education system is falling apart, especially in the urban areas. You see videos on the Internet of teachers being beaten, disrespected and the students out of control. They are not learning anything, they are just being  “housed”  until they reach adulthood where they can be  “housed”  yet again, but this time in a prison.

If I was in charge of this countries education system, I dare say things would be very different, of course that depends if I was able to get my way and allowed to make the changes that I feel are needed in order to restore the prestige of being a Teacher.

So what would I do? Clearly what is needed to restore order is for the teachers to be armed and given the discretion to shoot when they feel it is appropriate to maintain order or just as a teaching moment. I won’t bore you with the details and regulations which would be in place to cover the use of firearms by the teachers, but let’s just say I will basically allow them to go with their gut.

Now of course having armed teachers will reduce the number of assaults on teachers substantially , not many students will want to go to blows with their teachers if they know their teacher can just shoot them. Also another benefit of the teachers packing heat is they will be able to maintain order and discipline in their classrooms, which will benefit the students who want to learn greatly. In the past the students who wanted an education were faced with disruption and intimidation each day in the classroom, and as we all know this is not conducive to learning.

We could even go as far as changing the whole grading metric, we will keep the standard A, B and C’s but in place of a  “D”  it will now be an  “FW” (Flesh Wound) and for those unlucky students who get an  “F” it will now be an  “FS” (Firing Squad). Let me go into a little more detail on the last two, for those students who put in a mediocre performance on their test and ended up getting a D now they will get an  “FW,” this is administered by the teacher at the time of handing back the students papers, if a student got an “FW” the teacher would hand them their paper then draw their weapon and fire a round into the fleshy part of the students leg or arm, it is meant to be an encouragement tool, letting the student know  “Hey, I think you can do better”  and safe to say that would probably be the last time that student puts in a mediocre performance.  Because they know what could happen next. And if a student received an “F” or  “FS” on a test, they would be marched out of the classroom by the teacher’s aide and into a holding area. Then at lunch time while the other students are eating their lunch, the  “FS”  students would be marched out into the courtyard and blindfolded, at which time a delegation of teachers would march out, line up and administer the final grade, via firing squad.


I can understand where some parents may not like this new grading metric, but I think it helps bring parents and their children closer together, the children will know if their parents truly care about their success in school if they put the time in each day, studying with them to insure their success and survival.  We have all heard people say  “Woo Hoo I survived high school”  after their graduation, now they can truly say it and mean it. I think we would certainly turn out a  better educated and more disciplined graduates, which in turn will go on and be productive members of society…Perhaps even teachers themselves.

And I’m almost certain students will complain at first about this new policy, change is hard sometimes so I can understand their initial outrage over having their teachers armed and given a green light to administer classroom justice. That’s why the school’s need to hold a pep rally on the first day of school, get all the students together and explain to them that because their teachers care about them, each and every one of them, that this is why some of them will need to be shot.  It’s about preparing them for the future they may face. The teachers just need to be honest and tell them, that some of the students are simply unpleasant both mentally and physically, and they are a disruption to the classroom.  Explain to them that life can be hard sometimes and it can be harder if you’re stupid, so they are just trying to save them from a certain future full of personal failures.

And what kind of weapons will the teachers be armed with? Well I feel it would be important to keep a wide variety of military grade weaponry on hand. Think about it Armies don’t battle other Armies with just one type of weapon, no matter how defenseless and innocent looking the students may seem, you as a teacher will need many different weapon options available to you to cover all eventualities.  For example, what if there was a huge student brawl in the cafeteria? Your standard issue sidearm may not be enough, that’s when you call the janitor to bring in a light machine gun, nothing breaks up a brawl like a light machine gun.

And what about the older teachers who may not be the best of shots anymore? Well in those cases you can provide them with sawed-off shotguns loaded with buck-shot, old Mr. Davidson will be able to handle any problems that may arise in band class with his trusty scatter gun. The lunch ladies will also be armed, for years they have faced the brunt of callous jokes and picky eaters who waste their food which those lovely lunch ladies toiled hours preparing for those ungrateful kids. Now that they will be armed and dangerous, the next time a kid goes to throw a tray full of food away the lunch lady can fire off a few warnings shots to let the students know they need to eat ALL their veggies.



Once in a while mistakes will be made, it is important that we don’t get into an uproar every time a well-meaning educator shoots a straight A student. Teachers are only human, and sometimes in the heat of educating your students, you may lose your temper when the students just aren’t grasping what your teaching them and that’s when you feel an example should be made to draw their focus back on the problem and not asking silly questions,  so you shoot what you think is a C student but turns out to be an Honor Student. When this happens it is important that the teachers learn from this just as much as the students do, in teaching,  ever tragedy is a teaching moment.

Well until the day comes when my plan can be implemented in the schools, I guess we will just have to continue to have chaos and mayhem. If you really want the kids to learn and for the teachers to get the respect they rightly deserve then you will need to arm them and give them the Green Light to teach those kids the lessons they need.


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