The Blonde Girl
A blonde girl from Montana was sitting in a local coffee shop complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?” The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up in her room for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!” The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, let’s start off with an easy one, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
The Nursing Student
A nursing student at Carroll College was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk. This is the answer she submitted:
- It’s fresher.
- It’s cleaner.
- The cats can’t get to it.
- It’s easier to take on a picnic.
She also added: “It comes in such cute containers.”
The Rialto Bar
A guy goes up to this girl in the Rialto bar and says, “Would you like to dance?” The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.” The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”
Lawrence pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Justin where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,”
“That sounds wonderful,” said Justin.
“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”
“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”
East Helena, a little town in Montana had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at Montana State University. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to East Helena; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local gas station for a cup of coffee. He was standing at the counter, paying for his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the clerk what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
“Sure,” said the clerk. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”
The Married Man
The man approached the very beautiful woman in Albertson’s supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
A woman goes to the Helena Independent Record, a local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.” Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, ‘Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale’.”
The ER Doctor
Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor at St. Peter’s Hospital. The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.” Harry says, “My God. What’s the good news?” The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”