So You Think You Have What It Takes To Be A Messiah?

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So you are just a simple man or woman, but you have a burning desire to be something more, so what should you do? The answer is simple, you should become a religious icon. So long before you start gathering a fanatical fan base and packing in huge crowds at the local fairgrounds, you need to ask yourself some really tough questions.  Being the next Messiah isn’t just about riding around on donkeys and preforming miracles (but you will find out later this takes up a lot of your free time) It’s going to be a major lifestyle change, every aspect of your personality will come under public scrutiny, that time you robbed the local gas station and ended up doing some jail time, yeah prepare for some questions about that alcohol fueled night.  Not to mention, being a religious icon is a highly competitive area, with new Messiahs ready to step into your sandals immediately after your inevitable crucifixion or incarceration.

Be prepared for people to judge you based on your appearance, image is everything.  First thing, if you are a little chubby, start exercising. Typically Messiahs tend to be average to underweight, try to accentuate with baggy clothing.

Try wearing comfortable shoes and grow a beard, sadly, this rules out most women under the age of fifty, making the job of Messiah a very male-biased arena.  Perhaps put whitener on your teeth. Messiahs always have bright teeth.

You should make an effort to cut down on any bad habits you may have, like swearing, picking your nose, smoking and casual sex. You will soon have to die for the sins of the world and you don’t want to lessen the impact of your self-sacrifice by getting lung cancer or an STD.

Now that you have your image squared away you need to start creating a BUZZ. Try relocating to a hot and dry country. Oddly, Messiahs never really take off in places where the average rainfall exceeds twenty inches per year. The best way to build your status as a Messiah is to deliberately avoid publicity by avoiding large crowds. You should take every opportunity to go fishing with a few close friends. Lock yourself in the bathroom and tell everyone you need time alone to collect your thoughts. Or better yet wonder off into the desert for a few weeks. (Make sure your agent knows where you are though) This type of introspective and enigmatic behavior will most likely lead to appearances on the network late shows.

Call everyone you meet “my child” but don’t be too patronizing. People hate that, also touch everyone you meet on the top of their head.  Start hanging out with prostitutes, the poor, the sick, and the unemployed. Not only will this make you appear compassionate, but after your death, it will be the money and blind hope of these unhappy, gullible, and disenfranchised people that will ultimately turn you into a global phenomenon.

You will need to perform some miracles, do not attempt any “magic”  tricks….everyone hates magicians. Stick to the basic repertoire of killing shrubs, healing the sick, and raising the recently expired among us.

Now it’s time to plan your death, so just before you plan to leave this world it is good form to throw a small dinner party for eleven or twelve of your closest friends. Make an effort…don’t just offer them bread and wine, you will look like a cheapskate. Also, don’t freak them out by saying stuff like “Eat me” or they will be reaching for their coats before you can say “transubstantiation”

And when it’s time to make your triumphant return from the dead, you should arrange for a friend to break into the mortuary after your death and steal your body. What he does with it will depend on your last wishes, or how well you paid him? And there you have it, for those of you who want to become a religious icon, good luck on your endeavor.

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