The Army of Canada marched its forces through the Hip Coffee Mecca of America yesterday, that’s right while you were busy drinking your mocha lattes and watching The View, a long caravan of Canadian military vehicles disguised as Molson’s beer trucks punched a gaping hole through our northwestern defenses. Fearing Seattle would be leveled Starbucks withdrew all Barista’s to the Oregon defensive line and Bill Gates declared Seattle an open-city saving it from destruction.
President Obama hearing of the brazen assault on our homeland while vacationing in his homeland of Kenya, has pledged to commit the full force and weight of his Administrations Public Relations arm to assure that Canada’s military occupation will be portrayed in the least favorable light while our press is still free.
There are unsubstantiated reports coming out of Seattle that Canadian forces are rounding up military aged men and putting them in the Century Link Field, home of the Seahawks, there is speculation that the Canadians are subjecting the prisoners to intense indoctrination programs, trying to convert them to the dark side of the Maple leaf. Survivors who escaped are telling stories of the Canadians torturing those who won’t conform by forcing them to drink Canadian beer and watch Canadian hockey on ESPN. As you can imagine the Americans confined in the stadium must be going through a living hell.
Reports out of Canada suggest that their Pacific Northwest Campaign, as they are calling it is not over, they plan to push down into Oregon and Northern California. Right now Portland is bracing itself for the upcoming onslaught from the Canadians, spearhead by the Molson beer trucks. We should all keep Portland in our prayers, it is unlikely they will be able to hold out long.
On the political front, Hillary Clinton has issued a statement condemning Canada’s aggressive actions, and she promises to fully support any and all Public Relations actions President Obama plans to unleash. She also mentioned that she has been raising concerns over Canada’s aggressive behaviors over the last few years, she points to her now famous speech she made in early 2013 when Canada captured and burned down an American Embassy in Montreal. Meanwhile Donald Trump put out a fiery memo that called all Canadians Thugs and Murderers, and probably Rapists. He promises to revoke all business dealing with Canada and will ban them from his golf courses. In response Canada recalled their Ms. Universe contestant back to their homeland. Promising to boycott all further beauty pageants that Trump promotes.
When reporters at the Pentagon asked why America’s military hasn’t been unleashed on Canada, the Pentagon spokesman stated that the Pentagon has sworn off confronting Canada in fulfillment of the President’s pledge that there will be “no more boots on the ground, anywhere.” It is well known that President Obama has made campaign pledges of getting America out of conflicts, he has stated in the past that we are not the world’s policeman anymore, it’s time for other country’s to step up. On a side note Mexico has promised to send existing forces in the US to the Portland defensive line, although it is not certain when this will take place.
Right now wineries in Oregon and Northern California are burning their grape crops, promising never to allow them to fall into the hands of the Canadians which surely would turn them into juice drinks. I also heard that McDonalds franchises all along the Pacific Coast have begun removing their arches and shipping them South to deny the conquering army any gold.
Please keep Washington, Oregon and Northern California in your thoughts and prayers, and let’s hope patriotic citizens band together like in the movie Red Dawn and fight back against the Canadian hordes…We shall overcome this, we shall take back our lands….Wolverines!!!