So let’s say you’re driving along in your Prius, you are on your way to the gym to get a midnight workout in, you decide to take a shortcut onto a desert stretch of road when all of the sudden you see a blinding light in front of you. Your beloved Prius dies and then you see several grayish looking aliens walking your way…What should you do?
Speaking from experience, let me tell you…Don’t panic. Research has shown that nearly 74% of potential alien abductees who panic end up running off into the night, you will most likely hurt yourself as you stumble around in the dark, but just face it, they are going to get you, so do like I did and just stand your ground. Oh, and I would suggest placing your hands over your genital area, if it’s a rookie alien on his first abduction he might zap you in the family jewels and let me tell ya, that stings.
Another important thing to remember is not to do anything that might encourage the aliens to mistake you for a cow, otherwise you might wake up to find your bowls and bodily fluids have been removed before you have a chance to explain to them that you are not livestock. This happened to a friend of mine I met in an Alien Abductee Support Group, he thought he would trick them into thinking he was a cow, so he started eating grass in the field he was in, sadly he was unaware of their dislike of cows.
Well now that you have been abducted and you find yourself strapped to a table aboard their ship, just relax. Let’s face it, the aliens possess vastly superior intelligence compared to you and no matter how tightly clinched your sphincter is, they will find a way to insert a probe whether you like it or not.
Something I learned from watching a fellow abductee on board the spacecraft was not to stand out among your fellow abductee’s. So try to be as boring and “unevolved” looking as possible. For example, don’t start trying to do magic tricks as a way of winning them over, they hate magic anyways. Besides if you standout too much they might think you are an unusual specimen and cart you back to their galaxy, where you will likely end up as a side-show act in an intergalactic traveling circus.
Now let me give you the most important advice I can offer from my own personal experience, if you want to get yourself back on Earth as soon as possible start screwing around with their stuff. Don’t you get annoyed when children start playing with your stuff? Like when they start pushing buttons on the car radio, it makes you want to shut them in the trunk. Well, that’s precisely how aliens react when you start pushing buttons on the spaceship. So start pressing a few buttons and twiddle a few knobs in the control room. In no time you will wake up safely in your bed with nothing more than a headache, a sore ass, and a couple missing hours you can’t account for.
May The Force Be With You!