Let’s face it raises kids in the modern world is a challenge, It can be a labor of love, pain and sacrifice. I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who once said “Rearing a calf (child) is 99% perspiration and 1% gratification” I could be wrong on who exactly made that quote but Old Abe is always my go to guy.
So bringing a child up from the Infant form up to the eighteen year old semi-adult form can be frustrating, usually exhausting and rarely worth the effort. ( Except in the case of my children, they were totally worth it) But I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve done the research and learned creative parenting techniques from some of the modern world’s greatest parents such as Courtney Love, Kris Jenner/Kardashian, Bobby Brown and a few other that asked me not to mention their names due to some child custody cases they are involved in. What do all these parents have in common? They all practice a form of Parenting called “El Padre Perezoso” or The Lazy Parent, they all swear by this type of parenting, it’s where you put your needs first, then perhaps the child’s needs, the theory behind this type of parenting is that if the parent is happy then everyone one else in the house will be happy, it’s the trickle-down effect. So go ahead, reach for another cold one, grab the remote and let those kids of yours know that you have needs too!
So to truly master the “El Padre Perezoso” parenting style there are some things you should always keep in mind, like taking every opportunity you can to arm wrestle with your children. This will teach them how to lose with dignity and it also has the added bonus of letting them know who is boss. But I would recommend stopping this practice when they are big enough to beat you up.
Some parents use bribery as a way to get their child to comply, but that really is ineffective and can lead to discipline problems that why the “El Padre Perezoso” parenting style recommends using Blackmail, it is far more effective and can last a lifetime in some cases.
Do you know what children really like? They like Surprises! Face it, kids get bored pretty easily, so try livening things up by creating a fun and totally unpredictable household. Cook them dinner anytime between four and midnight. Come home from work at a different time each day. Promise to take them to Disneyland then forget you ever mentioned it. Lose your temper, then laugh hysterically. Kids just love to be kept on their toes.
Be direct with your kids, “El Padre Perezoso” parents don’t sugarcoat anything. For example, if your child does something stupid, make eye contact with them and say “You are really stupid” then give them constructive advice…”Do it this way next time stupid…”
Avoid being pestered by your kids by simply giving your kids anything they want. Believe me the novelty of having everything they want will soon wear off and when they are sixteen they will renounce capitalism and probably become a priest or nun. This way you will avoid really big ticket items like cars, weddings, etc. Also your children need to learn that you are only human, they must learn that their parents are fallible. Show them it’s OK to make mistakes by seeing your mistakes, like sleeping with your friends spouse, developing a drinking problem, and getting your car repossessed as you pick them up at school. This will make your children happier and more confident as adults.
Some kids like to say they have imaginary friends, well don’t be fooled by this, they are trying to pull a fast one on you. To prove it, wrap up an empty box for their birthday and tell your kid it’s an imaginary Playstation 4. The imaginary friend will soon make a quick disappearance.
Help your children develop a social conscience by taking them into the nearest city to spot homeless people sleeping in the park. Explain that many people become homeless because of an intolerable situation at home. Remind them of this fact every time they get on your last nerve.
And lastly, who hasn’t dealt with a child having a tantrum, when a child is angry, they will often want to get even. Why not encourage him to express his feelings by breaking into the house of the person who has angered them and spray-painting on the walls a list of all the horrible things that they want to do to that person. Your kids will soon recognize the absurdity of their behavior, their anger will disappear, and they will return home laughing…No harm done.
So welcome to a brand new world of modern parenting “El Padre Perezoso” isn’t time to put the parent first? We think so.
*This is satire, you would be a horrible parent and human being if you actually tried any of this, so just laugh and continue doing the right thing.