The Montana Man and The Ostrich
A man from Montana walks up to a Bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The Montana man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the Montana man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man from Montana and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man from Montana.“Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man from Montana, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!””That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man from Montana.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
A Typical Montana Baby
A big, burly man from Montana bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Montana baby” weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Montana baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”
“Yup, shore am!”
“How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “Ten pounds.”
The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.”
The proud Montana father said, “Jest had him circumcised!”
Two Montana natives decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first Montana native asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the Montana native.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the Montana native said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The Montana native was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!”
The Montana native, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first Montana native.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first Montana native.
“No,” his friend replied.
“I knew it, you’re gay, ain’t ya?”
The Montana Jedi
You know you’re a Montana jedi when..
You hear “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
You ever said the phrase, “May the force be with yo…Oh look sheds”
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Montucky.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or hunting.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a Griz flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking an IPA during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”