Are You A “Keyboard Ass-Kicker?”



I always get a laugh when someone who doesn’t even know me, try’s to be tough on the Internets. I have heard “I am going to kick your ass” more times than I can remember, but yet when it comes time to do the “Ass Kicking”….Nothing.  So as we all know by now, with the creation of the Internets, a whole new breed of Badassary has been created as well,  the  “Keyboard Ass-Kicker.” They are fairly easy to spot, when they type, they use ten times the number of exclamation points needed, I assume this is to let people know they are serious. These Keyboard Warriors will quickly attack people and points of view that differ from theirs on the Internets, but wouldn’t even think of confronting someone in person.

The answer is pretty damn simple…Anonymity.

So these brave “Keyboard Ass-Kickers” hide behind the same technology that allows “Jack” the 42 year old, car-salesman, who is sitting in Starbucks using their free Wi-Fi to set-up a Facebook page as “Mary Ann” the 16 year old, cheerleader who is looking for new “friends.”  This Anonymity allows that rich prince in Nigeria to send emails to gullible old people scamming them out if their social security checks.  Or how about those people who use the shield of Anonymity to scam idiots on EBay and Craigslist.  So Yes,  Anonymity also helps this special breed of  Warrior elite to do their battles on the Internets.

It is so easy to be a total Bad Ass… Ass-Kicking…No Shit Taking…But Shit Talking Son of a Bitch when no one knows who you are.

I am currently training my Cat to take over responding to these Keyboard Dipshits, she is a quick learner and has that natural resentment of humans which will make her an excellent insult hurler and trash talker, I’m so proud of her.

In my humble opinion with the advent of the Internets an entire sub-group of people have been given a power, a power they never should have been granted.  This sad little sub-group of sub-human, emotionally stunted, socially inept, living in their parents basement individuals, have been unleashing their bottled up repression of a lifetime of being picked on all through school and into adulthood. They are figuratively tossing grenades of anger and hate at unsuspecting people and then merely logging off to safety. This sub-group of life’s rejects also feel they are masters of any and all subject matter, where else but the Internets would you find someone calling himself  “PartyInMyPants1988” engaged in a heated debate over the dangers of immunizations, citing an episode of  “Scrubs” as his primary source.

It’s been my experience, with very rare exceptions, the more forcefully some idiot is talking about a subject, the less they know about it, and the more animated their responses are on the screen, the quieter it would be in person.  I can only imagine what America would look like if these brave Keyboard Warriors spoke to people in real life the way they do on the Internets, this country would make Syria look like a vacation paradise.

The world has very few true Badasses, and I’m talking about the real deals. For example, a real Badass, is the unassuming Dad who is 5’1” and weighs 140 pounds, he takes his little girls to the park to play, he has one bad arm and wears glasses, but he will beat you to death if you try messing with his kids. You could stab him in the stomach, but he would just pull out his own colon and choke you with it…Now that is true Badassary!

Do you want to know what’s NOT Badass? That gangsta-talking, drunk college kid from Montana, wearing his 406 shirt, and his favorite local brewery baseball cap, who called you “Bitch” in Applebee’s…He is defiantly not Badass. He doesn’t even know what Badass is.  But I bet his online screen name in chat rooms is something like  “montanaterminator_genmill” or “bigskypenispuller14” In a real fight, this guy would be just be a bloody puddle on the Applebee’s parking lot.

Okay now it’s time to show you the rules of Badassary…Pay attention!

~If you live in your parent’s basement, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you drink bottles water from France, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you can name more than one type of unpasteurized cheese, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you are a grown ass man, but you have a fake teenage girl Facebook account, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If anyone, at any point in your life has ever turned around abruptly and asked  “What the hell did you just say to me?” and you have responded in anyway other than repeating exactly the same thing you just said, only louder and more slowly, while pretending to use sign language, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you are a dude and have any sort of opinion whatsoever concerning Nicki Minaj, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you have ever mistreated a Cat, you are NOT a BadAss!

~If you talk shit on the Internets, you are NOT a BadAss!

So the point I am trying to get across to all you “Keyboard Warriors” at some point, you will be confronted in the “real” world for the life you live in the  “online” world…Will you be ready?

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