So I had a friend come over to my house today, he wanted to borrow a weighted work out vest of mine. We sat around for a few minutes talking about Cats and Women, You know a typical guy conversation. But after a while I couldn’t help but notice my friend stunk, it was a horrid odor, I can’t smell to begin with, but I smelled this unholy scent he was filling my house with. I was brutally honest with him, letting him know that he reeks, and I even made it clear to him that I wasn’t sad, I was crying because my eyes were burning with his foul odor. My friend wasn’t fazed, he didn’t get defensive or anything, he said he would run home and shower. After he left I opened all the windows to air the place out, you would think that would solve the problem….But not this time.
Even though my stinky friend was long gone, I feel he left behind something disturbing, a thing that will haunt my senses for the rest of my days.
After hours of airing out, fans blowing, multiple cans of Vanilla Febreeze and burning scented candles, the Putrid Poltergeist still remained, I feel like I have been the victim of a ISIS chemical attack, was my friend a sleeper agent? Did he just deliver the terrorists first blow to Montana? Then the thought occurs to me maybe my friend never left, maybe I was so overcome by the fumes that I thought he left but he is actually sleeping in the guest room, after a thorough search of the inside and outside of my home it was clear his physical being was gone, but his odoriferous afterlife was still with me.
I am left with only one conclusion now, there can only be one legitimate explanation for the unholy odor that is contaminating my home. My friend, if you can even call him that after this assault on my five senses. I am losing sight in my good eye, and I can’t hear anything now, my sense of touch is gone, my hands are numb…My friend killed me today. Anyways back to my point, the only possible answer as to why my home continues to have this horrid odor, is that my friend must have molted an outer layer of skin while he was here, much like a snake does. I have heard stories of people that shed an entire bodies worth of used skin at one time, they are rare, kind of like Gingers who are born with Souls.
I did some online research and found out that these skin shedders basically discard a layer of body odor along with their used up skin and that odor embeds itself into any and all fabrics, and porous surfaces.
I’m at a total loss, my research indicates I must burn my furniture and clothing, rip up the carpets, and re-paint my walls with lead paint. Otherwise no matter what I do, the sharp shock to the olfactory system will continue. It’s the stink that stays, it’s the Anthrax’s of odor, the Ebola of stink, the Caitlyn Jenner of Insanity. And it will survive and thrive, the more I spray deodorants the more this Putrid Poltergeist grows, my home is now its home.
No matter what I do, I cannot separate the stink from my flesh, I can now envision myself needing surgery, it would be like separating Siamese twins, this odor entity has become one with my system, a gruesome fusion that occurred within seconds of its introduction…I write this blog post as a doomed man, knowing my future fate is now sealed, I will be forced to live away from human contact, perhaps in the woods, with the animals if they will have me, but my stench may even be too much for them to deal with, my only alternative will be to wonder the wastelands of Detroit, just another lost soul in the Heartbeat of America.