Five Reasons Canadians Are The Worst People To Be Around…

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  1. They Get Easily Frustrated…

As you may or may not know Canadians have an exaggerated sense of self-worth, which means they tend to have a unrealistic expectations of themselves. They are always walking around thinking they are profound, and then they end up acting accordingly. As a result of this behavior, life’s little inconveniences can throw them way off balance. The Canadian thinks “I am so damn important, why should I be bothered with these meaningless daily troubles? I am far too important to be inconvenienced like this”

Now I don’t know about you, but I think we Americans handle life’s little dramas fairly well. For example, Whenever I am faced with some minor, trivial incident, I usually shake it off rather easily. I will simply go to the gym, hit the weights for a few hours, head home, drink some protein shakes, punch myself repeatedly in the face, grab my stuffed animals and throw them in a tremendous fit of rage, scream at my life –size cutout of Kim Kardashian, vomit all over myself and then pass out. I then continue to brood deeply about the incident for the next 10-12 years or so…just like any normal red-blooded American would do.

A Canadian, on the other hand, has trouble dealing with daily inconveniences. If anything frustrates them, it’s like the whole world has ended.


  1. Canadians Never Wash Their Hands After Using The Restroom…

Some say being Canadian isn’t a nationality, it’s more of a personality disorder, characterized by extreme and excessive interest in Hockey and Maple Syrup. Canadians have a distorted, grandiose view of their country’s own importance and value on the world stage, and they constantly seek attention, “Oh, it’s so cold up here.” Unfortunately, this also means that they don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. The Canadian thinks, “My genitals are not dirty, they’re clean. There is nothing wrong with my genitals. If everyone in the world was allowed to touch my genitals, they would be better people.”

I must confess that I just used the restroom and did not wash my hands, but that doesn’t matter. Nobody else uses this keyboard, and I needed to type this article in a hurry because I’m annoyed with Canadians because a car with Canadian plates swerved in front of me on my way home, so that makes this extremely important. Reading this blog post may change your life. In fact, it may even be the best blog post that has ever been written.


  1. Canadians Use Other People…

Canadians are extremely self-centered. They like to praise themselves constantly, and they believe that everything they do is profound and wonderful. Because they believe that they can do no wrong, they have almost no empathy for the feelings and emotions of others. They fail to recognize when they are doing something that may hurt somebody else, and as a result, they often take advantage of people.

Once, a few years ago, I was actually victimized by this type of Canadian behavior. I approached a beautiful blonde woman in a bar one night and bought her a few drinks. She was on vacation by herself, so her Canadian boyfriend was far away. After talking to her for a while, I learned that she was having problems with her relationship… problems that were causing her a lot of stress. After having a few drinks and being able to talk openly about the things that were bothering her, she felt much better. I could tell that she was very grateful to have somebody to talk to. She thanked me sincerely for empathizing with her. After finishing my sixth Shirley Temple,  I told her that I was extremely attracted to her and that I wanted her to come home with me. She refused and walked out of the bar, leaving me behind on my lonely American bar stool.

Who the hell did she think she was? I spent MY American time in the bar talking to her and buying her drinks with MY American money. I listened to all of her Canadian relationship problems with MY American ears, and I used MY American brain to think up intelligent responses to keep the conversation going. I was willing to take her to MY American house and please her with MY American body.

Furthermore, cheating on her Canadian boyfriend with ME, An American, would have made her relationship better. First, it would have caused her to have incredible feelings of guilt. Second, these feelings of guilt would have increased the friction between her and her Canadianboyfriend. Third, the increased friction would have forced both of them to work on improving their Canadian relationship. I was willing to do all of that for her, but instead of taking up MYAmerican offer, she simply used ME… ME, an American! as somebody she could talk to about all of her meaningless Canadian problems.

She took advantage of me… and she was clearly Canadian.


  1. Canadians Don’t Handle Rejection Well…

Canadians have extremely fragile self-esteem because they believe that they are better than other nationalities. They often fantasize about their own attractiveness, their own power, and their own success. As a result, they are easily hurt, and feelings of rejection are magnified far beyond reality. Especially if they’re rejected by someone they are attracted to.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I think American’s handle rejection fairly well.  For example, whenever I get rejected by a female, I usually shake it off rather easily. I simply go to the gym, lift weights for a few hours, while I think deeply about every bad thing that has ever happened to me, then I hurl myself into the mirrored walls so hard that my body crumbles helplessly onto the gym floor. From this position, I stare at the ceiling while crushing loads of depression and eternal sadness paralyze and overtake my soul. After regaining the strength to live, I like to do several sets of curls. Curls always seem to make me happier, like the old saying goes “Curls for the girls”…except that one that just rejected me, none for her. After the curls I head home and then spend the next few hours crying deeply into my pillow until I fall asleep… just like any normal red-blooded American would do.

A Canadian, on the other hand, has trouble dealing with rejection. If they get rejected by someone they are attracted to, it’s like the whole world has ended.


  1. Canadians Like To Criticize Others In Order To Support The Idea They Are Awesome…

Because Canadians are self-absorbed, loaded with vanity, and suffer from a false sense of superiority, they often need to tear others down or humiliate them in order to boost themselves up. This also maintains their false sense of superiority. In other words, they survive off the flesh of the dead.

Canadians have this notion that everyone else is inferior to them, they purposely seek out and pinpoint the weaknesses of other people like a highly-trained sniper. Then they exaggerate those weaknesses. Sometimes the criticism is actually true. After all, we all have weaknesses. But when Canadians engage in the act of criticism, the criticism is not healthy, balanced, or constructive. Instead, the criticism tends to be extreme, unhealthy, mean, and excessive.

I once knew a Canadian, I worked with her. Here is an example of one of the major things that was wrong with her:

Her sense of insecurity caused her to be a bit controlling. And when I say controlling, I actually mean that she was a vile, raging beast from hell…a truly horrible person who deserved nothing more than to be stoned to death in a village circle and then burned as a witch. Any man who dated her would probably have to cut his own testicles off and give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift. That is, if he were actually able to untie his arms in order to cut his own testicles off.

I originally felt so insecure around her, but once I figured out that she was a Canadian, I felt so much better about myself. Identifying her particular weaknesses in such a fashion helped me realize that I am more than just an intelligent person… it helped me realize that I am anAwesome American!


God Bless America

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