Ode To Colossal Berry Crunch With Marshmallows…




Normally, in the mornings I just have a protein shake, yogurt and a banana, the same crap, day after day, but this morning, I went to the dark side.  I always see the happy faces of my kids after they eat a bowl of cereal, and I wanted to have a happy face this morning too! And by God I did, I was smiling ear to ear. So now I feel it’s only right that I share with the world the joy I’m experiencing as I continue to eat more of this heavenly delight…

“Colossal Berry Crunch with Marshmallows” is truly the greatest cereal I’ve ever eaten. It’s crunchy yet sultry smooth, slightly bitter yet ever so sweet. This cereal is like having a backstage pass to a Taylor Swift concert and you end up having sex with her as her mom video tapes it. If you took every single “AC/DC” song and added milk to them it would be this cereal. When I was eating it felt like the Mayweather-Paquiao fight going on in my mouth, the cereal was Mayweather and it just kept wrapping itself around my tongue. And it went down so damn smooth, I didn’t need to take a drink of water, it was as if there was a massive slip and slide in my mouth and every marshmallow was in line to descend.

I have to wonder is this cereal even American? Something so perfect can’t just be found at Walmart can it? I think it must have floated here from a magical island, where little pygmies mix together sugar and magic pixie dust to form this perfect breakfast food. Eating it feels like every fight scene from a Jackie Chan movie transpiring on my delicate tongue. It’s almost as if every single Chuck Norris joke was packed into a breakfast cereal.

Each colossal berry seems to be sprinkled with just a hint of black magic, you know it’s wrong but you can’t stop yourself. This cereal is to breakfast what Meredith Grey was to medicine. (Let’s see who gets that analogy)

My lips are quivering, it’s as though someone sprinkled Meth in my bowl. Eating this cereal is like the scene from Scarface when Al Pacino collapses into a mountain of coke.  Oh my, I can feel my muscles growing with every bite, I feel the Gains happening as I type. It’s as if every motivational speech from every sports movie ever made is being read through a megaphone down in my throat. I can feel the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger in my head, in his thick Austrian accent, telling me “Do it, Do it…Eat that, Do it now” and then he high-fives my tongue. Thanks Arnold!

I’m beginning to think this cereal isn’t even legal, it should be sold on the street by some creepy guy named “Black Nate”, even though “Black Nate” is white, he just likes the irony of it. I feel like I’m breaking the law by paying just a few dollars for this precious commodity. If they served this cereal in prison I would get myself arrested just to have this and free cable the rest of my life.

This cereal is to breakfast what Kim Kardashian is to …umm..to…well…okay bad analogy.

I can’t even think of a good enough word to describe the taste of this masterpiece of cereal technology. It’s like someone compiled every funny cat video on YouTube and turned it into an edible and delicious cereal…Meow. I think some English professors need to invent a new part-of-speech for this cereal, some type of hybrid word that will properly illustrate the taste of Tom Brady winning the Superbowl with his deflated balls and then going home to Gisele all happening on the tip of my tongue.

Perhaps I’m starting to hallucinate…This cereal is so damn good it’s starting to distort my perspective on life. I am no longer a single gymrat, with no life. I am now a freaking Superhero, out fighting the evil that lurks in the darkness, striking fear into the empty and pathetic souls of countless felons. I even think this cereal has given me the magical power of levitation…It’s like that scene in the movie Unbreakable where Bruce Willis discovers he’s invincible, only instead of surviving a train wreck I took a bite of cereal.

I’m starting to feel light-headed now. Eating this cereal is like laying in a swimming pool filled with green Jell-O. It’s like being on stage with Vanilla Ice as he sings Ice Ice Baby. I can’t stop smiling! It’s like having every episode of  Hannah Montana compiled into my brain! This cereal is to breakfast what the centerfold is to Playboy.

I wish they still put prizes inside cereal boxes, I’m sure if it had one it would have been something mythical and legendary, like a golden unicorn or Zach Galafianakas. If the cereal is this good then the toy would have been the stuff of legends. If this cereal had a prize it would have been what Kanye is to Douchebags!

Aww..Hell, I can’t believe this experience is over, I ate the whole bag. It felt like I was the pole at a strip club. It was like I just watched an episode of Duck Dynasty (yeah that good baby) It’s like I just devoured a magical rainbow made of skittles. I don’t think there is any other thing on earth that could have satisfied me as much as that bag of cereal did…Perhaps I was just touched by an Angel, I must be God’s favorite human…God Bless America!!

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