Hello there, We here at “An American In Montana” and when I say “we” I mean “me” since I’m the only one here, but “we” makes “me” sound more important and knowledgeable, so let’s stick with “we”.
Anyways, we are here today to help you newbies out with the ins and outs of Internet Dating….
While we here at “American” believe Internet Dating is fundamentally pathetic and wrong. We have to acknowledge that it is probably the fastest way for losers to meet like-minded losers who fear a lonely death as much as you do…Perhaps even more, who knows.
“But golly gee, Mr. American, I have no idea which dating site to use…they all sound swell”
Oh, hey there, Joe Average, let me just say that most dating sites claim to be the best, but there should be a few things you want to look for in order to tell what caliber of people they are hawking on their site.
The first thing you should do is look for pictures. We have noticed that a lot of over-weight, left-handed, mentally ill freaks frequent online dating sites. You need to look for photographic evidence that Little Miss “People at work say I’m cute” is really what she claims to be, who knows she may work with blind people, so always ask for “Proof of Beauty” photos. And don’t settle for pictures she provides. Do your homework, search police records, traffic cameras, social media and ex’s for a more recent photo. After all, you don’t want a Sasquatch hanging off your arm do you?
“Boy Mr. American, that sure sounds like a lot of work”
Well Joe Average, you couldn’t be more wrong and stupid. Tracking down a stranger you have never met before is as easy as “S.A.R.C”
“S” means Stalk, like a Lion on the Serengeti, when your searching for your “prey” you must become a Stalker, don’t be afraid to spend some lonely nights in the bushes, and remember it’s only Creepy if you get caught.
“A” means alter your identity to create a buffer between you and your potential mate. Because private eyes have very public, big mouths.
“R” means Rugrats. As in, make sure she doesn’t have any of those running around. Think about it this way: if the real father won’t claim it, why should you?
“Gee wise Mr. American, this is great advice”
Hahaha, of course it is, Jimmy
“Umm, my name is Joe”
Yes, of course it is…And last but not least, “C” which stands for our trademarked award-winning phrase “Culpability is for Chumps” Which means, why take the blame and responsibility for something you did when the blame can just as easily be dumped onto a third-party it’s the “American Way”. Just don’t be a dummy, make sure you wipe clean all remnants of your searches and field work, get those computers, cell phones, night-vision goggles, ninja masks and watch caps clean.
“Wow, so much to know, this Internet Dating stuff seems like a lot of work Mr. American, is that all I need to know?”
That’s not even the half of it you little whiny punk. Like you mentioned earlier, how can a person know what dating site is for them with so many out there? Well, good thing we are here to help you today, we at “An American In Montana” have done all the hard work for you, here are three simple steps that will point you towards the right online dating solution.
Step One…Know Who The Hell You Are!
If your strength is being one of those sweet-talkers, then a site that requires a short period of personal correspondences would be well suited to you. But if you have trouble coming up with interesting stuff to say, try one of the more no-nonsense, let’s get it on right now sites that have a quick turnaround. These sites can be pricey.
Step Two…A Bible Thumper? Great!
We at “An American In Montana” believe that good people, who are tired of the bar scene that’s only filled with shattered dreams, self-pity and general self-loathing turn to the Internet for mates, but they also believe in God. Nearly every religion has its own dating site now. Be warned, don’t expect it to be easy on there though. Higher standards could come into play.
Step Three… If you are looking for a very specific sort of mate, such as short, tall, blonde or Japanese, then the answer is perfectly clear…Online dating is not for you.
If you’re the type that feels empowered enough to narrow down your potential mates to a certain “subset”, then you’re clearly way too picky to try and meet someone online. So why don’t you just go down to Ross and buy yourself a nice outfit and go hangout at the local frozen yogurt joint.
“But, Umm, Mr. American, where should I take my Internet friend on our first date?”
Well you Simpleton, given that the economy is Bi-Polar and the Liberals infest most major entertainment venues, I would suggest that you stick with the tried and true outdoor activities. That way you can really tell is she likes to take care of herself. Any of the following activities would work just fine…Jogging, Trap Shooting, Mountain Climbing, Big Foot Hunting, Book Burning, or maybe even my old favorite past –time, staging sting operations for perverts at the mall and then celebrate your crime fighting victory with an Orange Julius.
“That sounds super Awesome Mr. American”
Damn right it does, God Bless America!