A Conversation With That Woman On The Treadmill That Totally Wants Me…



Excuse me, you remember me right? We made eye contact here at the gym yesterday. I was wearing my somewhat iconic “You Can’t Ban These Guns”  t-shirt and you were wearing something blue-ish, or maybe green-ish, but whatever it was you looked great. Does this ring any bells?

I will admit it was pretty packed in here yesterday, just like it is today, but I remember plain as day you were right here on this same treadmill. If my memory serves me right, you were watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”  but no worries I won’t judge you for that.

I know it is a packed gym today, but still, there’s something about fate actually squeezing us next to each other on the treadmills…Oh, you didn’t notice me?

Well surely yesterday you must have noticed when our eyes met? You were on this treadmill and I was sitting on the bench across from you, I was doing concentration curls? You smiled at something on the show you were watching and looked up, and I’m positive you caught me staring at you, I even gave you my trademark head move as if to say “What’s Up” then you looked down quickly, I just figured you didn’t want to seem like you were ogling me.

I was on the bench? Doing concentration curls?

Oh, umm, well that’s okay.

Listen, I know you’re probably thinking this conversation is all a product of our patriarchal, misogynistic society, and this is just a form of the male gaze, and I’m probably viewing you as this unattainable object that can cure all my wants and desires, ending the nights of lonely slumber, or something of that nature.

Wait,  that is what you’re thinking? And my self-awareness of the situation isn’t the least bit charming, but extremely creepy and self-indulgent?

Well…I can’t say that I necessarily agree with you. Side note, I didn’t expect the lady on the other side of you to be listening in on this, or that she would be vehemently shaking her head in agreement with you. I get it lady, you don’t need to take side here!

But back to the point…We had such a connection!

Like when you got done with the treadmill and went into the other room to do some stretches, I eventually followed you in there and started hitting the punching bag. You picked up on that I was in there with you right? I was watching you do the Downward Dog , that’s when I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing a punched the metal bar on accident. I saw the look of empathy you gave me as I screamed out in pain, but I was a little shocked that you got up and left the room after that, I felt for sure you were going to come nurse my hand and tell me everything would be alright, because we are together now.

Oh, you had your ear buds in and didn’t hear anything? And you actually didn’t even notice me in there with you?

I guess I’m surprised you’re still on this treadmill, Yes, I know you’re trying to workout, but I just thought maybe you’re starting to feel the same connection now? Huh, well yes, this place does have a manager why?

Let me just apologize about my incessant sweating, it’s something I’ve carried with me my entire life. It’s somewhat of an identifying characteristic of mine, my friends always say “He always sweats, Don’t mind him” 

Of course I’ve tried prescribed deodorant, but thanks for the suggestion, really, I’m like impervious to all forms of expertly hygienic mandated deodorants. Back in ninth grade my sweat stains were so dramatic that once a teacher asked me if it was raining outside. How we laughed (the other students, not me) Do I seem like a “sweaty perv” as the kids would say?

Oh…I do? Well that’s pretty candid of you.

Wow, all this running on the treadmill seems like it takes forever to go a mile huh?

I want to share something with you, perhaps it will help you learn more about me. I haven’t cried in a long time. And I’ve always believed that crying is good for everyone. When you cry you open yourself to extreme emotions, often times negative. And then when that whole thing is done you’re vulnerable and free, and then all those happy emotions can pour in and create a reason to keep moving along, sorta like this treadmill, speaking of, you have really been running fast on yours, almost seems like your running from something.

What’s that? Oh yeah, my treadmill stopped a long time ago, but I wanted to ride this conversation out.

Look I am going to be perfectly blunt with you, I’m lonely. That much is clear. And we have seen each other a few times in this gym and sure it’s creepy that I know that, and I’m perpetuating an unreal reality that you can’t possibly fulfill, not with the expectations I put on myself and subsequently on you. It’s just, I feel a lot, and I want to share those feelings with someone and I want that someone to share their feelings with me. To exist completely and wholly together. To wave our hands through the silhouette sunrise. Or maybe just get coffee or something…What do you say?

No, no, no, don’t worry about it…I totally understand, I didn’t even see the ring, what a careless mistake on my part.

Hey, you don’t happen to have a sister do you?


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