I’ve been doing some research for a paper I’m not writing for a class I’m not taking, but it has to do with the “8.5 Degrees of Facebook Separation” that takes place in this small town I live in. Helena, MT. really isn’t that big, it seems everyone knows you, has heard of you, or knows rumors about you. But when you add social media to the mix, suddenly everyone knows everything because everyone is connected to someone by 8.5 degrees of separation. It’s based off the old Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon thing.
Now I could use charts and graphs to explain how this works but, I’m not very good with those things and frankly that’s boring, so try to follow along as I explain my theory of the “8.5 Degrees of Facebook Separation in Helena, Montana.”
Alright we start off with ME adding YOU because you’re my friend.
Then I add this girl because she knows my friend, and I saw her at the gym and she looks kind of cute.
A little later this weird chick with painted on eyebrows kept staring at me when I was at Walmart, We didn’t speak, but she somehow got my name and added me. Then I added her sister because she likes Weightlifting. Then the sister has a friend who adds me because I look somewhat like his favorite Uncle Don. Then his Uncle Don try’s to add my oldest son because he likes younger men. My good friend adds this blonde girl because her boobs were hanging out in her profile picture. The girl in the picture adds Diane because Diane likes the girl-in-the-picture’s boyfriend, so the girl in the picture wants to keep an eye on her.
In the meantime, Diane deletes JJ because she’s is doing the nasty with JJ, and doesn’t want to make it look obvious to her current boyfriend, Nate. But Nate really doesn’t care because he’s just joined a group called “Helena Bondage and Pickles” And oddly enough, in that group he finds an old junior high friend named Tony. Nate and Tony chat for hours about their memories of farting during third period when they were in 5th grade.
A week goes by and Tony sees Nate in the downtown walking mall, but Nate ignores Tony. However, Nate doesn’t ignore Amy in Albertson’s, so he adds her. But he doesn’t talk to her, he just wanted to look at her pictures. It’s okay with Amy, she doesn’t mind at all because Amy is an attention seeker who adds everyone. She has roughly 984 friends. And 964 of them are the type of people who add people for no reason, which is pretty much the same reason they are living. Those people with no reason for living just stumble around life wondering what the hell they are doing. And in a desperate attempt to find out, they join three groups…”The Year 1998 Appreciation Society”…”I’ve Hooked Up With Someone At The Gold Bar” and “Let’s Hang Out In The Parking Lot At Memorial Park”. 42 people join this group, 12 of those leave the group two months later when they think the person who invited them won’t notice them leave.
But Lawrence from East Helena does notice that Tonya has left his group, and he is not impressed at all. Lawrence then changes his status to “Lawrence could tear Tonya a new asshole if he wasn’t so upset by what she did” But Tonya is not affected at all by this status, since she lives in the big city of Helena and is not on Lawrence’s friend list. Lawrence then decides to commit suicide, but nobody seems to notice because he didn’t post his intentions on Facebook first.
Meanwhile, Tonya uploads some new pictures of the time she went to Miller’s Crossing (a bar) with Loretta and Stacy on a Tuesday, they all look shitfaced in every picture. Tonya is really hot but Stacy is butt ugly. Tonya rubs it in by making the comment “OMG Stacy, you look so HAWT in this picture” Stacy then starts to feel bad because not only was her ugliness captured in a picture but Tonya called her “Hawt” which at best could be called sarcastic, and at worst malicious. Loretta, on the other hand, makes up for her obesity in the photos by wearing the most stylish clothing. Sadly, the expensive outfit she had on is overshadowed by her orange colored fake tan which may indeed be radioactive. Tonya is clearly insecure about her great looks, while Loretta is of course embarrassed by her girth and Stacy is so freaking ugly she just wishes it was called “NoFaceBook”
Loretta finds some comfort in a man named Frank who added her as a friend at 1am. Frank has never met Loretta, but he did meet a girl named Loretta once while he was trying to get people to sign his petition to get the band “Slayer” in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, anyways, he added Loretta just in case it was the same person. It wasn’t, but Frank’s quick wit earns him a friend add. They decide to meet, but Frank is worried because all his pictures are in black and white and feature only his one good-looking side. So he postponed the meeting and instead tags her in a new “Slayer” meme.
As I write this I suddenly realize the influence I’ve had on the world, or at least in my town.
If I decide to delete and block you as my friend…YOU no longer exist.
Also I’ve just noticed I have spent the last 180 minutes on Facebook. I now have to wonder if life is truly worth living? I am going to change my status to “thinking something major is going to happen today” in the hope’s that something major will happen for me.
But sadly nothing major happens. I now realize my life is utterly pointless. Life has truly reached that critical moment for me, I must do the unthinkable….I log off!