I Hate Spiders More Than Kidney Stones And Public Toilets




So I reached a personal milestone today, I have survived a full year since I was the victim of a surprise attack last May. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story I will give you the short version.  I was in my home, heading into the laundry room when a humongous, man-eating spider fell from the ceiling into the laundry basket I was carrying, and of course I freaked out, dropping the basket and running upstairs, that latter action allowed the man-eater to escape, and despite my best efforts I have not been able to find it. But I know it’s still in my home, watching, waiting for the perfect time to strike. So basically I live in constant fear and suffer from “Arachno-Paranoia,” which in turn has given me mild Arachnophobia.

I think this time of year in general is pretty bad for those of us who dislike spiders, they seem to be everywhere, it’s like they have taken over. Instead of the future ending up like the “Planet of the Apes” it will be “Planet of the Spiders”, but they won’t use us as slaves like the monkeys would, the Spiders will use us as food and entertainment.

I have been doing a lot of research lately on how to get rid of my spider phobia. Some so called experts suggest exposure therapy, which I have no desire to do, besides I don’t think I could force myself into a place where I knew there would be spiders just sitting there, waiting for me. One of my friends suggested I go on the Maury Show, it could be a funny way to share with the world my extreme dislike of spiders, I can see it now, and I’m on the couch looking fairly normal sitting between the girl who is scared of pickles and the creepy guy who can’t stop eating fabric softener….I still have a little dignity left, so I will hold off on that whole scenario.

Another interesting way to help get rid of the Spider fear would be to use virtual therapy, which works like exposure therapy but you’re only visually exposed to the beasts and not in person. I already know this won’t work because I already seem to avoid movies that I know have spiders in them, which is sad, and I get made fun of by my kids.  I have been toying with the idea of starting a website for people like me, it will allow people to look up all the movies that have spider scenes in them, that way they can be avoided, just want to help my fellow Spider haters, we have to stick together, they say together we are stronger!

So as I was doing my Spider phobia removal research, and some of the websites were trying to tell me to accept that while the spiders might be bad, no spiders would be worse… What? I find that theory to be bullshit!  I am positive that in a world of no spiders, I am phobia free and would have no fears going into my laundry room.  A Spider free world would mean I can get back to enjoying the finer things in life, like climbing trees, or sitting in a dark closet when I need to hide from my cat. A Spider free world would mean I don’t have to sleep with a plastic bag tied around my head at night to prevent Spiders from dropping into my mouth or laying eggs in my ears. A Spider free world would mean I can finally visit Australia, a world where I can say the word “Spider” as loud as I want, instead of referring to them as “S’s”…much like that Harry Potter villain who’s name cannot be spoken.

One treatment I may actually try is Hypnosis, I heard this works well for Arachnophobia. I am hoping my unconscious mind won’t be a stubborn douchebag like my conscious mind. Perhaps if I face them in my sleep, I can face them later in reality. Then maybe, just maybe I can finally move on with my life and live in peace.

And one last note on this whole Spider situation, if you invite me over to your home and one of your kids thinks it would be funny to throw a plastic tarantula on me, I promise you I will use your child as a baseball bat to beat that plastic tarantula into kingdom come, so please have a talk with your kids prior to me visiting… Thank You


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