How I Finally Regained Dominance Over My Cat…

rgrgrg

 

 

Cats need discipline and structure just like those kids of yours running amok in Walmart, here is how I finally turned the tide at my home, where at one time my Cat ran wild , wreaking a path of destruction and despair, but that all changed once I started using  “the look.”

My cat’s name is Ms. Kitty, she is a small, overweight beast that cares for nobody but herself. There’s all you need to know about my cat.

Ms. Kitty will walk into my bedroom, her tail twitching, belly dragging on the floor, I will greet her with my ever enthusiastic smile, and that patronizing, high-pitched voice that humans use when talking to their pets. After I have greeted her, and warmly welcomed her into my room. I look away and pretend I’m concentrating on something else. Perhaps I will be cleaning my Ninja sword, because any Ninja worth their salt won’t have a filthy sword. But it really doesn’t matter what I’m doing since it’s just a ruse, just to get Ms. Kitty thinking she is safe.

Sometimes I like to imagine that this fat, hairy little ball from hell, has built up a kingdom of evil and that she remains constantly on edge. This is when I immediately focus my attention back at her, throwing my sword to the ground, as I stare into her pitch black, soulless eyes. At this point Ms. Kitty realizes the gravity of the situation and her ears pin back, her tail stops twitching and becomes stretched out as if pointing to the wall, she freezes in place.

I don’t just stare at Ms. Kitty with Fury that would be rather cliché, so I opt to give her a sad, betrayed look, with a hint of intense vengeance. It’s the kind of look you would see in the movies, the kind a hero would give to his arch nemesis, if the arch nemesis killed the hero’s father twenty years ago and the hero finally tracked him down at the end of the movie. That kind of sad, betrayed look.

So after giving Ms. Kitty  “the look,” I begin issuing verbal threats. The threats generally consist of the same old stock threat phrases…

“This is it, Cat!”

“It’s all over for you now Furball!”

“It’s time to pay the piper!”

“You’ve hacked up your last dead mouse, Fatty!”

All delivered in a comically exaggerated style.

I like to imagine that this fat, hairy little ball from hell, has built up a kingdom of evil and like the arch nemesis in the movies (who nearly got away with a life of crime) and remains constantly on edge. This would explain stopping dead in her tracks, with a guilty look, as soon as I give her “the look,” leaving me as the hero. The hero that brought down her reign of evil, maybe I even stopped her from killing and eating one of my kids…you never know with cats.

I can’t tell if this makes me a bad person, but after I give her “the look,” I always give her a rub on her head and stroke her fur, soothing her, then I send her on her merry way. I’m pretty sure she thinks I have developed some type of mental health issue, but I think that helps keep her in check, fear seems to work like that.

The cold hard facts are there are plenty of people out there who do the same exact thing with their cats, so don’t judge me. You do it to, perhaps you don’t have the same routine as me, but you almost certainly have your own routine. Maybe you don’t give your cat “the look” maybe you like to make your cat wear a little hat on its head all day, regardless, what your doing is trying to show your dominance over this beast, so I won’t judge you for it, so don’t judge me. Hell, maybe you don’t even have a cat, maybe you play “the look” game with your overweight relative with a heart condition instead. In which case, I advise you to stop doing that.

 

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