Spiders…May They All Burn In Hell




There are very few things in this world that I fear, and I have never been worried about what people may think of me when it comes to one fear, I have a huge dislike of spiders. I have no idea how or why it developed, but as far back as I can remember I have always hated them, probably fearing them would be the best way to describe it, and I really don’t care if people make fun of me for it, I will just simply step on you if you do, but yet, I will run away screaming like a female Bieber fan if you’re holding a spider. So now that you know  how I feel about spiders, let me tell you how my morning went.

This morning I was driving to the gym, I had rolled down my window for a little fresh air when I noticed a psychotic and probably suicidal spider blow in through the window, and it zoomed right across my face, it was attached to a thin little web line, it was like he was an Air Assault Spider, fast-roping into the battle zone, ready to kill everyone including himself. I immediately did what any grown man driving a two thousand pound speeding projectile would do, I screamed like  a little girl and slammed on my brakes, nearly causing the nice lady behind me to rear-end me, and how did I know she was nice? well in the rear-view mirror I saw her wave, but for safety reasons she only used one finger to wave and it appeared she was trying to yell at me asking if I was okay, well I didn’t hear what she said but I can only assume that’s what she was thinking.

But in all this commotion I lost track of this heinous little monster, which freaked me out even more, I pictured him crawling down my shirt and biting me in a location where nobody would suck the venom out for me…I did not want to die like this! So all I could think of to do was get out of this deathtrap, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot, that nice lady drove by and waved one last time, what a sweetie. As I tried to get out of my car I hit my head on the door jamb, I swear I heard the spider laugh or it could have been one of the kids at the school where I had stopped that was laughing, can’t be too certain if they noticed me though, but when I let out a crisp, clearly audible expletive I know that got their attention.

So now that I was out of the car, I started doing  a minor striptease show at the school, shedding my sweatshirt and sweat pants (I had shorts on underneath you sickos) for fear that it may have been on me. Then I began scanning the interior of the car for that little monster. But it dawned on me what if I found it, what was I going to do? I had to arm myself, so I popped the trunk and grabbed a small bat I have in there, I felt better now that I was armed, and then the search began in earnest. I gingerly moved everything of my seats, fearing he would make a Banzai charge, I heard from a reliable source that when spiders are cornered they charge their enemy in a fight to the death. But sadly my search turned up nothing…Side note: If you ever turn up lost and need me to locate you, you might not make it.

After a solid fifteen minutes of searching I was unable to locate this horrible little beast. I started thinking it may have somehow gotten out when I exited my car and that I hadn’t noticed it.  But I did notice that my actions didn’t go unnoticed, I had a small group of kids at the fence next to my car watching me, probably recording me on their little Iphones, but I can’t blame them I would watch a big crazy looking guy with a bat tearing apart his car as well.

At this point I tried to regain my dignity, and I boldly got back in my car and drive as far away from those kids and hopefully that spider as I could. I was able to be brave and keep my composure as I drove to the gym, I felt fairly confident I had somehow won this battle over the spider, and more importantly I survived. I grabbed my gym bag and what was left of my dignity and went into the gym, but the entire time I was working out I couldn’t help but think the spider was still in that car, hiding, probably laying eggs, waiting for the right moment to attack me.

Oh by the way, if anyone is looking for a new car to buy, I have one for sale.



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