I think everyone can remember their first time, regardless of how it may have ended, our first one always tends to hold fond memories for us. Well it finally happened for me today, I finally “popped my cherry” so to speak, and I doubt I will ever forget this day….The day I lost my Panda Express virginity.
When this day started I never would have imagined that it would end in such a magically climax of flavors and intense, stimulating sensations my body would soon never forget. The day started off crappy, it was snowing, which instantly put me in a miserable funk, I was hoping to start my day with a five mile run, and when I say five mile run I really mean I was going to walk on the treadmill for five minutes before I started throwing Iron like a mad man. But the crappy weather made me angry, so I decided I would protest this day by being a lazy bum, working on my art stuff and trying to solve the world’s problems by taking Power Naps.
So it was getting around dinner time and I figured since I haven’t been out of the house all day I should treat myself to something unhealthy, when I left the house I initially planned on getting a Subway Sammich, why not? If Jared can eat them and lose 950 pounds then I guess it won’t be too hard on my fragile system. But on my way to the Subway, I saw her off in the distance, a sign I have seen many times but I always ignore, thinking I’m not worthy of such a dirty, sexy ride on the wild side. But as I got closer, the Panda seemed to be calling to me, “Hey, Do you wanna feel good? Me make you feel good long time” that kind of persuasive advertising is hard to resist, so I decided to go for it, I was going to ride that sexy Asian Panda. Little did I know I was about to discover the near sexual powers that only copious amounts of fried rice and Beijing beef can give.
I walked into the restaurant not knowing what to expect, standing in line waiting my turn to be served was slightly intimidating, I was checking out the menu board, did I want just a bowl? Or a whole meal? What if I went with just a bowl but left feeling unsatisfied? I hated not knowing, I truly felt like a Panda Express Virgin, I needed someone to guide me through this experience, and thankfully “Sarah” came to my rescue, the girl behind the counter, I think she could tell this was my first time, she was patient and spoke softly to me, she made the experience a pleasurable one for me…I will never forget about “Sandy…Err I mean ..Sarah”
Sarah convinced me to go for the works, “Go Big or Go Home Hungry” was her War Cry. I got the fried rice and Beijing beef, Sarah suggested I pay a little extra for a spring roll, she said it will Rock My World, so knowing Sarah hadn’t let me done as of yet I did it, I got that Spring Roll!
As I was paying she asked if I wanted to eat here or if it was to go, I couldn’t face the shame of doing it in public so I quietly told her it was to go, when she gave me my bag she whispered “I hope you enjoy it” and she winked…winked I tell ya, I knew at that moment I had made the right choice, I was about to ride the Panda!!
When I got home, I quickly went into my room and locked the door, I didn’t want my kids to see me with this dirty food…and because I left without asking if they wanted anything, so they would surely guilt me into giving my food up, and I had no intention on sharing this experience, this needed to be just me and my little Asian Panda of decadence. I spread the food container and fortune cookie out on my bed, I wanted the experience to be as raw and unfiltered as possible so I used the plastic fork that was in the bag, As I opened the container I could see all the luscious Beijing beef, glistening in the little sliver of sunlight coming through my window, and before I took my first bite, I quickly took my shirt off, it was white and I feared it would end up stained, and if this experience went bad on me I would end up wearing that stain like a scarlet letter of food shame.
I then picked up my fork and slowly pushed it into a piece of Beijing beef, it seemed to resist at first but then it seemed to relax and take to fork tines easily into it, deep into it. I thought it would be best for my first time to mix some fried rice into the beef, to get the full effect….I then took my first bite, it felt so good, it was perfect, Sarah was right, this whole experience had turned out to be a beautiful and sensual experience, I could feel I had a huge smile on my face, but to be sure I wanted to look in a mirror so I rolled over on my back and gazed into the mirror above my bed…I don’t think I have ever looked happier. I was no longer a Panda Express Virgin, I had been deflowered, oddly enough on my own bed
The Beijing beef and fried rice was now like a drug, I was hooked, I was eating it faster and faster, I tried to slow down, to make the moment last but I couldn’t help myself I was totally caught up in the moment. At one point, I think I even squirted soy sauce on myself, good thing I took my shirt off beforehand.
A few minutes after it started it ended, I lay there on my bed feeling the satisfaction of finally coming into Panda Express manhood. I just lay there looking up into the mirror….exhausted, I really didn’t know what to do now, had I just peaked? Would life not get any better than this moment? I couldn’t help but think that I really needed to clean that mirror. I then drifted off into one of those sleeps you have after you do something physical and you feel satisfied with yourself, and exhausted all at the same time…It felt so good.
So how was your first time?