Okay, I said I would never write about politics, simply because it seems to piss everyone off if you make fun of their favorite politician. But for some reason today I’ve really been annoyed at some of the falsehood’s that “Team Hillary” has been putting out there, for example if as a man, I don’t like Hillary, I’m labeled a male chauvinist pig. If I don’t like Obama, then I’m a racist. If I don’t like Joe Biden, then I dislike clowns, and so on. So instead of writing about why I don’t want to see Hillary as our next President. I am going to write about what it would be like if “Team Hillary” just opened a brand new discount store, and in this store there was one overly enthusiastic, but helpful sales associate….Come with me now as we go shopping at “Hillary’s Discount Warehouse”.
Good afternoon sir, and welcome to “Hillary’s Discount Warehouse” where our motto is “We have everything you’re looking for, and if we don’t have it, then what difference does it make”. Now I couldn’t help but notice you were checking out our brand new BullCrap section over here. Now, most people who come in here really don’t know what they are looking for, they might have seen one of our commercials where everything old is new again, but not you, I look at you and I think to myself this guy, this is the kind of guy I can manipulate until you purchase something he doesn’t want or even needs. So tell me, what can I do to make you buy some of our BullCrap?
I see you eyeing that little pile of Crap right there, I will admit, it’s pretty nice, it comes with all the entitlements a guy like you needs. But if you’re really looking to take it to the next level, I’ve got a new line of BullCrap that’s going to knock your sandals off, we call it the “Monica Line” and believe me when I tell you this BullCrap truly does Suck. What? You say it really isn’t your thing? Well can you define what “It” really is? Sorry, that’s just an old joke we like to tell each other around here.
Okay, maybe you’re looking for a new computer? Perhaps you would like to have your own email server at your house? We are having a clearance sale this week on all our servers and computer hard drives, honestly they need to go, we need to get rid of them, before we get served…I mean before the new models come out, and maybe you weren’t aware of this unique feature all our servers come with, they all have an emergency “Purge” button that will erase all evidence, just in case you don’t want anyone to see what internet sites you have been visiting…Wink Wink
Listen, can I put my arm around you and be disingenuous with you for a second? I like you, so I’m going to help you out. Walk with me. I’m going to show you the real BullCrap.
Now, perhaps you’re thinking “This guy must really think he’s talking to a total dummy here” And that’s true, I mean come on, why else would you have come into this store. But I want you to know its Simpletons like you who make this the greatest job in the world.
Look me in my shifty eyes, we are both adults here, so let me talk down to you like a child. Take a look at this shelf, what does it say? That’s right it says Benghazi, your first instinct is that you probably don’t want to buy this BullCrap, am I right? Sure, you might think this BullCrap is all you need, but it’s a little less than you’re going to want to spend. Now over here, this is more along your lines, A little pricier, but with fewer features and longer, more convoluted explanations of what they are, Hell it’s from Iran so you know it’s got to be good BullCrap.
Hold on to your pants, Ha Ha another old joke we use to tell Bill, but over here you can see they are stocking the shelves with some brand new BullCrap…we are talking primo stuff, state of the art BullCrap, It’s from Russia by way of the Ukraine, or what’s left of it. This is the best BullCrap you can get. You got a family? You got kids? They are going to love this BullCrap. Trust Me, you have never seen BullCrap like this before.
Sure, you could go across the street to “Obama’s Dollar Store” and buy the same BullCrap for half the price, but I guarantee you…I guarantee you!! They will treat you like the gullible moron you are, I’m only going to treat you like your half the moron I know you are.
Whoa, I feel like I’m losing you…Okay, hold on. Let me sweeten the deal. You buy this BullCrap right now, and I will throw in a four year warranty, that’s right for the next four years I will guarantee this BullCrap. Come on now, I’m practically robbing you. Be honest with me, what do I need to do to convince you that you’re getting a sweet deal here? Should I speak faster and louder?
Listen my friend, I’ve really come to like you, I don’t want to BS you, and so let me just flat-out lie to you. This BullCrap is guaranteed to make your life more satisfying, what else do you want to hear? You will earn more money, you will prosper, you will get all kinds of free stuff and the best part someone else has to pay for it…So is it a Done Deal?
I know you’re going to be happy that you bought this BullCrap, you were a tough sale that’s for sure, but once I saw your eyes glaze over I knew I had ya..I bet your hungry after all this shopping, so if you go to the back of the store we just opened up a brand new Chipotle’s restaurant , you will love it, and they are giving out free security camera footage to all their patrons today.
Thanks for shopping at “Hillary’s Discount Warehouse”