I was recently sent an email, inviting us to dinner, it asked me to please bring my kids along and come enjoy a nice home cooked meal with their family. I will be honest I haven’t received many dinner invites, let alone one’s for me to bring my kids. So I spent several hours pondering the ramifications of me and my kids going to someone’s house for a home cooked meal, what would this truly entail? Was I obligated to do anything? And more importantly what could I expect out of my kids in this situation.
So, I decided to go for it, I kind of looked at this like a new adventure into a strange and foreign land, and best of all I’m taking two teenage aged boys with me who don’t want to go…what could go wrong.
So I responded to the invite with the following email…
Dear (Name Withheld),
I just want to Thank You for the wonderful dinner invitation you sent me, My kids and I look forward to attending this feast on Saturday, It will be me and two of my sons, and just in case you may not be aware, I will need to give you a heads up on a few dietary issues that my kids and I have, that way you can incorporate these concerns into your meal preparation.
Myself and one of my sons have no problem eating meat, as long as it’s beef, and the beef needs to have a very lean fat ratio, and please, we don’t eat pork, not because we are Muslims or anything, but I saw a video once of worms coming out of pork meat when you pour soda over it. So no pork, unless it is bacon, I will risk getting worms over bacon. And my other son is mostly a vegetarian, mostly, he will eat meat under certain circumstances like Revenge or during the Summer Solstice for reasons I haven’t quite figured out yet.
Dairy products should be okay, unless they are made from non-traditional animals like Goats, Yaks, or Emu’s in that case we will not be able to eat any of your creepy dairy products.
My youngest son cannot use any type of metallic silverware, if you don’t have plastic or wooden utensils let me know ahead of time and I will bring some. Also it would be best not to leave any carving knives, steaks knives or any type of knives on the table, he has a habit of stabbing his food while reciting “Silence of the Lambs” story lines, great imagination that one has.
And while it’s on my mind I should also point out that my oldest son has a napkin allergy, so if you prefer that the kids have a clean face while at the dinner table, please make sure your table-cloth extends at least twelve inches from the table edge.
When it comes to the use of condiments I would prefer not to use any that have been endorsed by celebrities. I feel that using such products only perpetuates the myth that celebrities know what’s best for us, I’m trying to teach my kids to live a life free of celebrity product endorsement. The only exception to this rule would be any product endorsed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, but sadly I do not believe he currently endorses condiments.
And as for myself, I’m fairly simple when it comes to eating, no need to go out of your way for me, I just ask that everything you make be in shake form, at least my portions. Let me know in advance if you’re serving anything like corn on the cob and I will bring my Ninja 5000 industrial blender.
I’m trying to think if there is anything else I should warn you about…Oh, I nearly forgot, my youngest boy, has a terrible hand-mouth coordination issue, so he will have to wear his mouth gutter prosthetic, it helps him guide the utensil into his mouth, but he gets really self-conscious when he wears it around strangers, so please don’t make eye contact with him, otherwise he may have an “Episode”.
On a religious note, if your family likes to pray at the beginning of the meal, please let me know ahead of time as to what type of religion you follow, that way in case it’s something sketchy I can let my kids know before hand not to laugh. And since you so kindly invited us over for dinner I would really like to get you a nice bottle of wine as a token of our appreciation, please send me the receipt for the dinner ingredients so I know an appropriate amount to spend.
I think that about covers it, we certainly are looking forward to seeing you and your family.
P.S. …If you by chance will have any elderly relatives there for the dinner, could you possibly make an “Elderly Table” for them? It’s sort of like a kid’s table but for the cotton tops, I do not like to eat with elderly people, or watch them eat, or have them watch me eat. ..So if you could put their table in another room that would be wonderful.