Okay, I will admit it, a very small part of me wanted to be famous, I think most people do, whether it’s for purely selfish reasons, or for doing something for the good of humanity. And of course my reasoning’s for wanting to be famous are purely selfish, I just wanted women to throw themselves at me like they seem to do for most celebrities. I mean come on, the only reason guys like Zach Galifianakis get hot women is because of fame, otherwise I don’t think so.
When I see guys like Zach, I feel like life can be really unfair, what’s Zach got that I don’t have besides being funnier, and perhaps having talent. Really, when I think hard enough about it, I feel like I have let myself and most of the world down, because a guy like Zach, is more famous than me? I imagine my kids are asking themselves what kind of messed up world are they living in when a guy like Zach Galifianakis is more famous than Dad?
But I’m fairly confident that sooner or later I will become famous, perhaps after finish my book that I’m working on, It’s about a Cat that has the ability to understand humans, but chooses to not let on that she understands them, and she lives her life just being indifferent and moody towards her caretaker. It’s more a biography based on my Cat. So I imagine once it’s published and a movie studio wants to make it into a weekly TV series and they ask me to play the part of the caretaker, I assume instant fame and fortune will follow.
And believe me once I do become famous I will totally let it go to my head, as a matter of fact I have already made a list of what I will do on the first day of me being famous. (I believe in planning ahead)
So on the morning of my first “Bonafide” fame day, I will go to the gym as I always do, but this time instead of all the women there ignoring me, they will circle around me like wolves, laughing at all my jokes, telling me how big my muscles are and they will probably make those “Swooning” noises that I have read about, and after I get up off the bench they will fight with each other to be the first one to get the sweat I left on the bench and wipe it on themselves (I’m almost positive this is what happens to celebrities when they are at the gym) And then things will get out of hand, the women (even the elderly ones) will get that crazed look, and they will start trying to rip my clothing off (I assume so they can sell it on Ebay) I will have to run out of the gym, with Hot, Crazed females chasing after me…Much like a zombie horde chasing after fresh brains.
I will return home, just like I always do, probably post a Facebook update, just in case the media is looking for some fresh tidbits about this new famous dude (ME) so I will type something funny, and make a comment that I won’t let fame change me, I will still be the same ol’ guy, then I will check on the 1200 new friends requests I got, and probably be annoyed that they are mostly weird guys wanting to be my new friend.
Then I will take a nap, but not my normal nap, this time I will nap in a big pile of one hundred dollar bills, I’ve always wanted to do that, now I can because I’m famous. After my nap I will call a carpenter to come build me a new dining room table and chairs, but I will have him make my chair several inches taller than the rest, it wouldn’t seem right that my non-famous family members get to sit at the same level as me, perhaps this lesson in inequality will inspire them on to greatness….Maybe.
Later in the evening I will start settling old scores, I will hire a unsavory character to go find that kid in 5th grade that stole my Scooby-Doo lunch box, He probably thought I would have long since forgotten about that, Nope, it’s been a festering sore for all these years, justice will be mine!
And then I will call my Mom and tell her to arrange a family reunion and to make sure everyone who has ever doubted me will be in attendance. I will also make it clear that I don’t want to be touched or for anyone to make eye-contact with me. And that she needs to make that green bean and bacon dish that I like, and nobody else is allowed to eat it but me.
Then I will finish the evening catching up on the news and current events just in case I get interviewed the next day and the topic turns to current world affairs, I don’t want to sound stupid like most of the other celebrities do, I vow not to live in a bubble like they do, well, the whole bubble thing does sound kind of cool.
I better get working on my book, fame is awaiting me.