Some people may be able to use the Restroom no matter where they go, I have a certain amount of envy for these types of people. They live their lives with the freedom of knowing they can “drop trou” anywhere and take care of business, then go about their travels without a care in the world, even though they could have just contracted an STD from the toilet seat. Suffice to say I am not one of these people, I will make every effort humanly possible to avoid unfamiliar toilets. I have no problem using a public urinal, there is a certain degree of safety with a urinal, depending on the cleanliness of the restroom, in a particularly filthy one, I may choose to stand a good 4 to 5 feet from the urinal and let the chips or urine in this case, fall where it may.
Now when I’m in town, I try to act like a big boy and just hold it until I get home, but yesterday was different. I was out running some errands and my stomach immediately went into “Meltdown” I imagine this was what it was like when Chernobyl melted down. I had zero chance of making it home before my system purged itself onto the seat of my car. I was at “Defcon 1” and needed to act fast.
I began looking for the nearest restroom and cursing my choice for lunch, Mexican food is not my Amigo. What I would have given for a highway “Rest Stop” located in the middle of town. (If the Mayor of Helena is reading this I encourage you to put a Rest Stop in town) I know Rest Stops have a seedy feel to them, they are where Celebrities get arrested for indecent exposure and homeless people go to take naps. But none of that matters when you’re at “Defcon 1”.
So I have to bite the bullet and stop at a gas station, out of fairness I won’t mention the name of the establishment, but from the outside it didn’t appear to be too sketchy. I hoped that the bathroom was on the inside because the chances of it being semi-clean would be slightly higher. So I ask the girl behind the counter where the bathroom was and I must have either interrupted her from taking a Facebook quiz on her phone or she was reading a text from her boyfriend that just dumped her cause all she did was toss a key on the counter and said it was outside, then walked away, apparently in disgust. Well I’m disgusted too for just being in this position so the feeling was mutual. So I grab the key and sprinted out the door to the restroom, praying a little prayer of cleanliness. I unlock the rusty door, and scope out the interior…Prayer unanswered, my worst nightmare is confirmed.
Well at this point the Meltdown had begun, there was no going back now I held my breath, with pants around my ankles, shuffling towards the toilet, I grabbed what seemed to be a rolls worth of toilet paper to use as a barrier between my precious baby soft bottom and that horrible STD covered toilet seat. Taking no chances, I do my best to hover, which was even harder given the fact that it was “Leg Day” earlier at the gym, I was literally shaking, hovering and purging the poltergeist that had taken refuge in my stomach. It seemed like a scene straight out of the movie SAW and the restroom looked like they shot the last movie in it, I don’t think it had been cleaned for months and it really did look like a place where some grisly human end occurred.
Why couldn’t I purge my system any faster?…My thighs are on fire from hovering over the seat, sweat is rolling down my face and burning my eyes, or maybe I’m crying and I don’t realize it because I have gone into shock? Then the breath holding gives out and I have to try and breathe only through my mouth, and the floating fecal matter particles from other patrons are entering my body. Finally, The Good Lord, takes mercy upon me and ends the purge, my stomach gives the all clear and raises the threat level back to “Defcon 5”. I clean the mess that I have made of myself, I scrub my hands in the sink like a surgeon going into surgery, I kick open the door, and return the key, while avoiding eye contact of course and hustle back to my car. Hallelujah…I survived, but I somehow felt violated and will most likely need survivor counseling at some point in the near future.
When I got home, I immediately took a long, hot shower, crying the entire time.