I want to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule, I realize your mom told you if you’re going to continue to live in her basement that you need to clean up after yourself and I’m sure those hot pocket wrappers and mountain dew cans aren’t going to pick themselves up. Now getting to your opinion, which you made abundantly clear in yet another message you sent, this time regarding my response to your last set of criticisms regarding my writings. I would now like to respond to your points you brought up and the suggestions you mentioned.
Let me just start off by saying, I appreciate your directness and candor. But, I regret to inform you that after careful consideration of your adamant proposal, I will neither be going, nor will I be having Intercourse with myself, not now and most likely not anytime in the near future.
I know full well the graphic extent you went to in your profanity laced proposal concerning me having Intercourse with myself as it was emphasized several times in varying degrees of exclamation points and capitalized lettering, which if I am corrected means that your yelling at me, or the very least using an elevated tone in your text.
I would like to consider myself a gentleman, and as much as I would like to make you a “Fan” of my writings instead of an adamant “Critic”. I am nonetheless going to have to reject your suggestion out of hand. I find it flatly untenable. And though I can appreciate the concerns you manifested in your almost nonsensical statement regarding the use, to which I might put my rear end, I do not consider the option of Self-Intercourse with a paintbrush, sideways, as I believe you specified, to be a course which I shall pursue.
Honestly, at the risk of sounding sarcastic, the manner and phrasing of your message, gives me doubts that you have my best interests in mind. And given the hostility and lack of propriety with which your suggestions have clearly raised concerns with me. I think that the case could easily be made that, you good sir, should be the one that should go have Intercourse with yourself.
Might I suggest that you proceed with that undertaking by using the aforementioned paintbrush in the sideways manner you were so kind as to suggest earlier.
Dare I say, you do not like this idea I have proposed? Then good sir, I will retract my suggestion. Which now leaves us at an impasse on this whole Self-Intercourse idea. Let’s just agree to disagree and move along to some of the other actions that you, in your eloquent message suggested that I undertake. I would like to address the idea you had of me having Intercourse with my Cat, by the way her name is Ms.Kitty not the deplorable name which you called her, which was totally uncalled for.
Let’s me just say that the prospect of engaging in Intercourse with one’s house pet, a Cat no less, is just repulsive and I believe criminal in some nature, perhaps your goal is for me to get arrested for this act and have the details of this despicable action plastered on the front page of the local newspaper. Sufficed to say I will not give you this pleasure and in no way will I be defiling Ms.Kitty in any manner.
So let me close in saying to you that I have read your message and have duly considered everything you suggested to me. But in all frankness, I can nonetheless assure you that I will most certainly not be eating a bag of penises or lodging it up or blowing it out, whatever “it” might have been, that you incessantly kept referring to, as you had left out that crucial pronoun tragically without antecedent of “my ass”.
So after careful consideration of all we have touched on, I have reached a conclusion that is most certainly true…You’re an Illiterate Douchebag, Good Day Sir!