Ode To Toilet Paper And My Favorite Critic…

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At exactly 5:17 pm yesterday evening my favorite critic (sarcasm) sent me a message reading in part that my writing amounts to a pile of Shit, a heaping stinky pile of Shit. Well I had no idea my writings amounted to a heaping, stinky pile of Shit, so I guess the only thing I can do to save face and do everyone a favor who reads my heaping pile of stinky Shit  is to write a little something about this amazing new toilet paper I bought the other day.

Now you will probably think I’m of full of Shit  when I tell you this but I just recently bought the most amazing new toilet paper my delicate derriere has ever had the pleasure of being cleaned with. I’m not going to say the name of the toilet paper because I don’t believe in un-paid product endorsements so from here on out let’s refer to the fore mentioned heavenly toilet paper as  “Ass GenieTP”. Well I had heard from a friend about this amazing product, and at first I was a bit skeptical, even though I read  “Ass GenieTP”  packaging and it said it had a specially quilted  “Moisture-Weave”  inlay, I still figured that it couldn’t be any better than the other cotton quilted stuff I was using before. But once I felt the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of  “Ass GenieTP”  sliding across my rear end, I had to agree, it was probably the most luxurious tissue I have ever cleaned my ass with.

I have to say when it comes to getting your rectal area clean as a whistle, and the feeling as it removes every trace of stinky, disgusting fecal matter from the delicate surface of my baby soft bottom  “Ass GenieTP”  just can’t be beat. It has a specially designed three-ply fecal grabbing action that has been designed by a leading team of scientists  (probably in Germany)  to wipe away 45 percent more human waste than all the leading brands combined, and even if you have one of those hairy areas that seem to collect those tiny balls of Doo Doo, which can get trapped for days if you’re not careful.  “Ass GenieTP”  is guaranteed to remove the most stubborn of Poo.

I know I’m sounding like a pitchman for  “Ass GenieTP”  but when you find something that works this well you want to share the good news, I’m like the Jehovah Witness of TP. But honestly, I can’t believe how good it feels pressed up against my delicate rear end. Sure, I used to think my old brand was the best, but after trying this  “Ass GenieTP”  I really couldn’t believe the difference. Compared to the velvety soft comfort of  “Ass GenieTP”  my old brand feels like a portable belt-sander grinding my ass down to a chafed and bloody pulp. But when I wipe with  “Ass GenieTP”  it feels as if the fecal matter residue between my legs is being spirited away on the back of a pillowy-soft cartoon cloud. When I’m done wiping I feel like I want to open my window and yell over to my neighbor (who I hate) that I love this new ass paper!!

Honestly, this stuff goes the extra mile to make my delicate rear end feel pampered like a dainty little princess. Think about it, your rear works hard for you, it’s not easy dealing with your Shit every day, so don’t you think it’s time you gave it something back? Get your ass  “Ass GenieTP”  to show it that you give a Shit about it.

It really doesn’t matter if you have thin, runny liquid, a huge, bulky chunk, or even one of those hard to wipe, viscous-sludge-type defecation’s,  “Ass GenieTP”  not only has the absorbency needed to wipe your rear clear, but it will free it of the sticky, after-shit smears and stains, yet it’s gentle enough to make your bottom feel  like a King who is gently reclining in a mound of his country’s finest silk pillows, made by the peasants he rules over.

Well that’s probably all I can say about this amazing product, and if you too feel my writing amounts to a heaping pile of stinky Shit at least you know what toilet paper to use after reading it.

May all your Shits be healthy ones today!

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