The Cotton Blend Pantaloons Debate…


I’m writing this in the evening, I’m all comfy dressed in my sweat pants and an ugly ripped t-shirt…And perhaps YOU are reading this while sitting comfortably in front of your computer, wearing who knows what. (In my mind you’re all dressed in black leather and you have gag balls in your mouth) Or perhaps your reading this sometime in the future, long after I’ve been dead and buried for a few years, and your using some kind of implanted virtual reality chip while suspended in a vat of man-made amniotic fluid, waiting for the atmosphere to repair itself so that your Humanoid/Chimpanzee species can retake to the surface of a totally battered and burned out world…In that case Good Luck you Freak!  But for those of you reading this who are still part of the group still actively trying to destroy the Earth, your either at Work or at Home…and if your Home then unlike those silly worker bees you probably have already taken the necessary steps to get as comfortable as possible. Which means that the pizza rolls are sitting next to your diet soda and you have already shed those uncomfortable  “Going out clothes”.

Okay, so here comes the question I want to pose to you, my comfy, and relaxed, pizza roll eating friends what do you do if something comes up and you need to leave the house after you have gotten all comfy? Would YOU get all dressed up just to make a quick run to the corner gas station to pick up a bag of Doritos? In my twisted and damaged mind you don’t unless your vain of course…I say you just march yourself out the door in that unwashed, stained Hoodie and poorly fitting sweat pants like a damn Boss. You’re not out to impress anyone are YOU? I mean come on all you really need and want is a bag of Doritos and maybe while you’re there you get some more soda…Diet of course. I think in our society we have this unspoken agreement that what happens at gas stations stays there…It’s like going to Vegas, cause what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…It’s the rule. And I think this unspoken rule seems to work pretty well for most of us, whether we are a super sweet Husband making a midnight run to satisfy his insanely hormonal pregnant wife’s weird cravings, or a burned out mom in her rollers and bathrobe getting a pack of Virginia Slims because that’s the only thing keeping her from smothering her kids and maybe your just a Stoner who needs some Twinkies and Twizzlers to fuel your Eleventh hour of a video game marathon…No matter who you are we all win in this scenario, and just to be absolutely clear I’m not talking about what goes down at truck stop bathrooms because that should be reported.

Now that we talked about the situation where going out all grubby and clad in sweat pants is perfectly acceptable, let’s make sure that we are all on the same page now, Making a quick run to the gas station in grub gear once in a while is okay, but let’s not get carried away and toss your jeans and fancy slacks in favor of wearing elastic band garments all the time. And again let me be clear I’m not talking about Cool Workout Clothing or Yoga Pants because those are HOT and AWESOME!  I’m talking about crappy ill-fitting sweat pants and dirty, stained sweatshirts. Now I’m not one to get all dressed up fancy, so I don’t think you have to get all dressed up just to hit the town but I don’t think you should wear something that makes you’re walk of shame last all day either. There has to be a middle ground that doesn’t include baggy cotton blend pantaloons, and if they have words written across the ass, that draws even more attention to your grubby garb…And by the way if you can fit the word  “Bootylicious”  on your rear it probably isn’t. …Just saying.

There was a prime example of this dressing to  “Un-Impress”  I personally witnessed yesterday at America’s store (Walmart) there was a guy wearing cotton blend sweat pantaloons in front of me in the checkout line, and if you have worn them before and I’m sure you have you know they don’t have pockets. So this guy had his wallet tucked in elastic band around his ankle it  made it look like he had a piss bag hooked to his leg, the wallet was freely flopping around, only being held back by the strength of that elastic at the bottom of his leg. Then he plopped his leg up on the shopping cart to retrieve his wallet, he stumbled at his first attempt, but the second time was the charm. And then to top it off after he paid for his goods he took his wallet, then grabbed the waistband of his cotton blend sweat pantaloons and dropped his wallet down the hatch, I watched as it clearly bounced off his man bits and slithered down his leg like rat running underneath a bed sheet. The cashier lady was unfazed by this but I clearly became troubled enough to write this story about it.

So the whole point of this poorly written piece is if you’re going out in those cotton blend sweat pantaloons, then you probably don’t really need to go out…Unless it’s to the gas station for some Doritos and Diet Soda…’Merica

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