I believe it was a year or so ago I went through a “Phase”…I was trying to find a new hobby and maybe make some money at it while doing it, the proverbial win-win situation right? I of course had to keep it legal, I really didn’t want to end up in jail and have to make someone my bitch…Yeah that’s right I sure as Hell ain’t going to be someone else’s bitch…Anyways, luckily jail was never an issue.
So what I came up with was being a Stripper…Like for Bachelorette parties, Birthdays, even Menopause parties. I even took a few pole dancing classes until I hurt myself, turns out I’m a little on the heavy side. But after while, The more I thought about it, The more I didn’t think anyone would want to see me wearing daisy dukes and dry humping the air while smacking my imaginary ass in the process.
And probably more importantly I have a white man’s “Problem”….Okay maybe two problems, but the one I’m talking about is the whole Rhythm thing, turns out I can’t even walk down the hallway without bumping into the wall a few times.
I can just picture it now, I’ve been hired to Strip at some girl’s birthday party, and all the women there are whipped up into a frenzy fueled by Zima’s and Chocolate. I come out of the bathroom wearing my Village People Indian Man costume, while Vanilla Ice’s blasts in the background. The ladies are yelling, “Take it off…Take it off” So I remove my top , my tassels hanging from my nipples as if I was a fancy chandelier, I’m shaking my hips and grinding on the birthday girls couch, then I pull off my signature move ..I start spinning around, arms out-stretched, I call it the “Windmill of Pleasure” but I would end up smacking myself in the eye with a tassel causing me to stumble around blinded, my hands outstretched like Helen Keller, as I accidentally knock the birthday girls mom down, who just so happened is recovering from a Hip replacement surgery…Needless to say it wouldn’t end well.
So yeah the whole fantasy of being a Stripper got about that far, good thing I didn’t actually go through with it, I have been married a few times and seeing the look of disappointment on one woman’s face is hard enough…But a whole room full of drunks chicks…Yeah I couldn’t handle that.
So obviously Me and Stripping just wasn’t meant to be…Not unless there is anyone out there who wants to see some big guy sitting in a chair bobbing his head and tapping his foot to the music while slowly shedding his clothing as if he was a snake shedding its skin…Any takers….I will even wear the Tassels.