Helena…Give Me The Keys




I often wonder how I would re-act if I was given the “Keys to the City of Helena”, I know that’s usually an honor bestowed upon more famous people than myself, but don’t we all deserve a chance at the “Keys”? I know I would be very appreciative of such an honor, and hopefully a local sandwich shop would name a tasty sammich after me..Who wouldn’t want to enjoy some of me for lunch or even dinner?


Anyways back to the Keys. I have no idea who in the past have received the Keys of this great city, I’m sure I could look it up…But really? This is going on the “Internet’s” so facts and accuracy are not important…I mean at least I don’t think they are..I have read other people’s blogs and holy hell do they bend the truth, anyways back to the Keys. Since I obviously won’t be getting them anytime soon all I can do is make a list of other people who I do not want to get the Keys before me.


Hopefully if the Mayor of Helena is reading this he or she will take note and NEVER give the Keys up to these people.


Barack Hussain Obama..He has done enough damage already, he would probably get the Keys and then Re-Gift them to Joe Biden for Christmas, and then Uncle Joe would be running around town groping men and women. It would be horrible.


Michael Moore..The reasons are more than obvious he would eat small children and blame rich conservatives as he buzzes the town with his Lear Jet.


Anyone who was ever in, involved with, or connected to the show “Who’s The Boss”..I really feel this needs no explanation.


Unfashionable Types..Helena already exceeds the recommended amount of  “unfashionable”  people, we have enough acid-washed jeans and plaid shirts.


Fashionable Types..We don’t care about your current fashion, keep that to yourself.


Kanye..He would accept the Keys then tell us  “We” don’t deserve to live here and that Beyoncé is the only one that truly deserves to live here…Awkward


Barney The Dinosaur...I’ve always felt slightly uneasy about Barney, I would never want my children near him, so for safety reasons I think it’s best he never gets the Keys.


Any Kardashian… They can’t even drive on our roads, if you gave them the Keys they would just cause a bunch of accidents in our town… Nobody wants that.


The New York Yankees..While it would be great to have a top rate baseball team in Helena…we already have the Helena Brewers and Dammit that’s good enough for us.


Lastly Zach Braff..I don’t know him personally but I hear he is a Douchebag, we have enough of those as well.


Maybe I have a better chance of getting the Keys to East Helena…

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