Welcome To The Jungle..





So for those of us who have gym memberships and if you’re like me you basically live in the gym, so you know that it can be a diverse ecosystem full of colorful and slightly unusual characters. So I thought it would be fun to point out a few of the species that inhabit the “Gyminal Kingdom” (I’m pretty sure that’s the scientific name for it) Over the years I have been a member of many gyms and I think these stereotypes are the same everywhere, so I think it matters not where you live you can relate. Sometimes I almost feel sorry for some of them…but obviously I would rather make fun of them here on my blog because. Well. I can! Internet Rules Baby!


I like Top 5 lists, not sure why, but I will approach this in that manner. Here are the Top 5 “Gyminal Kingdom Species”


1) Talkium-Way-TOO-Muchus: This species can be either male or female or a combination of the two. These guys and gals usually come in pairs, guess they are like a pack animal, they tend to sit down on a weight bench or a popular machine (usually the one I want to use) and begin spending 15-20 minutes in between each set talking about the stupidest shit ever. When you walk over and ask them if they are done (because it usually looks like they are) they will say “Oh, we still have 6 sets left” I try to avoid letting my emotions get the best of me, but in these situations I want to yell “Shut your damn mouths, do your exercises, and get the hell out of there”. Listen, if you’re going to be chatty chatters, do it AFTER you’re done lifting or between exercises so you don’t hold up everyone else. Nobody cares who won Dancing with the Stars the other night either!!


2) Expertumus Incorrectus: This species is usually male but there are a few female’s in this group. This is the know-it-all, He/She goes around and tells everyone what they are doing wrong, and how they can do it better. This species is the most dangerous of them all if you’re not careful, because if I had to bet my life savings (and that’s not much. Sadly) on it I would venture to say they are probably wrong. Look in a gym and you will see at least half the people doing exercises improperly. I have had people tell me how to do squats before and I followed their advice and messed up my knee. Lesson Learned. Everyone’s a critic, everybody thinks they know what’s best for you and everybody is quick to pass along information, no matter how wrong it may be. Just stick to your guns, do your own research, ask professionals at the gym if you have questions.


3) Sweatpantus Creepiatumis: Okay so this species is usually always male and easy to spot, he is the guy in sweatpants in the back of the yoga room who doesn’t actually bother doing any of the stretches, He sees a girl on a treadmill and starts walking right next to her even though there are 15 others open, and the guy who spends most of his time staring and ogling rather than exercising. Honestly dude you’re creeping everyone out. No you shouldn’t go up to her and tell her how many arm curls you can do (It’s a Deep Burn, as Ron Burgundy would say) And No you shouldn’t even stalk her when she comes out of the locker room, she’s there to exercise, which is why YOU should be there, so do your thing and leave the women alone. There’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it and you’re definitely not doing it right.


4) Ogre Personificus:  Again this species is usually always male. This is the gym equivalent of the attention whore.  Listen, I know sometimes you need to let out a grunt when you’re lifting a shitload of weight, but does it really need to be loud enough for everybody in the gym to hear it?  You can usually find these guys lifting weights and almost yelling between each rep, followed by them loudly dropping their weights on the floor and then walking around like William Wallace.  We get it Braveheart, you’re the man.  As long as you’re not dropping weights on your face because of this guy, he’s almost funny enough to watch.


5) Meatheadius Narcissiumus: This species is usually always male. This guy makes sure every exercise is in front of a mirror or audience. In between sets he’s checking himself out, checking to make sure he looks really good.  This dude LOVES himself.  Generally you can find him doing one of these three exercises: bench presses, bicep curls, or sit ups, because all he really cares about is his chest, biceps, and abs, which are probably comically oversized at this point.  You’d like to make fun of him to his face, but he’s so dis-proportioned that you don’t know where to begin… and he could probably pummel you because he also probably has a serious case of roid rage building up.  Put the guns away, Chief.


Okay so this was a humorous look at some of the species that inhabit the “Gyminal Kingdom” But these people might be one of the reasons many of you avoid gyms in the first place. Unless you’re one of these species. If that’s the case…STOP IT..NOW!! Over the years I have learned to completely ignore these people and just focus on getting my workout done. I recommend you do the same, but feel free to laugh at these people if you need a pick-me-up. After all, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we should probably laugh at others…That’s a damn joke by the way!


Have a Kick Ass Day!!


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