Land Of The Free…Free To Be Awesome!

 

 

If you are fortunate enough to be an American, you really do owe it to yourself to do something freaking amazing with your life.

If you stop and think about it, you truly are blessed, no matter what your economic situation or your place on the  “social ladder”  you have been given something a few billion other people cannot say..You’re an American, we have so many opportunities that most of the world’s population can only dream of. there are literally billions of people who every day are forced to live on less than it costs for you to buy your Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.

Stop and think of all those people who live under a Dictatorship, or under Sharia law, these people have little to no freedoms, the freedoms we often take for granted. Isn’t it great to be able to express yourself in any way you damn well please?

Imagine having to live somewhere that denies you access to the internet, where what you can buy is controlled by the government, even with all the bullshit we deal with here in America on occasion, it pales compared to most places.

Even something as simple and meaningless as Facebook is controlled. Imagine if you suddenly last your ability to share your story or flood social media with pictures of what you had for lunch, or opportunity to spread rumors about your ex (As immature and toxic as it is) …Just imagine not having this ability right now.

For all you advocates of change, imagine not being able to stand up to the wrongs of the world and create change all from the comfort and safety of your local coffee shop…Or how about sharing a poem, song or a beautiful artwork you created from the simple vision in your mind into reality…what if you weren’t allowed to share these with the world?

Now change the view…You owe it not only to yourself to have a totally Amazing life, but to the people who are dying alone right now of some terminal disease, the drivers unaware that in a mile they will die in a horrible crash, or for the ones who lose their arms and legs living out their days confined to a wheelchair.

You also owe it to every single person who helped you get where you are today. Your friends, family, teachers and mentors who showed you what was possible, helped light the way and picked your ass back up when you laid face down on the ground without the strength and will to get back up.

And for all those who told you that you couldn’t, or that you didn’t have what it takes…You owe it to them, to show them that YOU can.

But most of all, you owe it to the one who stands in the mirror each morning, preparing for another day, trying to look past that wall of fears, shame ,insecurities and self-doubt you have created.

You owe it to yourself to break down the walls and light a fire so bright, that all can see it, all will want to follow that light.

Show the world your scars, the battle wounds and tell us all how you’ve recovered from the darkest parts of your own self.

Clean away the sins of your past and let your greatest mistakes be your greatest gifts to those who will hear your story, listen to your music and Yes, even read your blog.

It’s time to live your life the way it should be lived, the way it was meant to be lived, it’s time for you to start doing something freaking Awesome with your life…

If you have dreams and aspirations of bigger things than just making a buck, then tear your heart out of your chest and give it to the world.

You have it within you to create something so great it will bring happiness to the hearts of millions, open minds for countless others who dare to dream, and live a life worth living.

Or…I suppose you could just go bitch about your ex, be the victim, confine yourself in the drama of being you. But I have a feeling you’re better than that, and you won’t settle for that …Your dreams are bigger than that!

God Bless America!

Your Kid’s Name Is What?

 

So I got really pissed off today, I had a conversation with an old friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time, he was telling me about his wife and their two children, whose names are “Sia”  and  “Abril”…What? Can you guess which one is the boy? This kind of weird child naming pisses me off, I almost home CPS takes their kids away and renames them  “Sara” and  “Abel”  good ol’ biblical names.

Maybe I’m the only one who has paid attention the last ten years, but there is this weird virus that’s going around infecting newly minted parents, and it causes these parents to name their kids these weird, un-pronounceable names that make no sense. It sickens me to think that parents who live here in the  “Land of the Free”  would name their boy child, their blood-line, the heir to the throne, a shitty ambiguously-gendered name that will lead to nothing but ridicule and shame for their kid.  If the day ever comes that I meet a 80- year old man named  “Abril”  I will pull him close and whisper in his hearing aid  “I’m so sorry”…If you want to name your boy something gender indiscriminate, how about just cut to the chase and call him “Pat”.

I did some research on this whole name thing, back in the 1940’s there was only five names you could name your boy. And those options were Jack, John, Paul, Gary, Bob.  Some say these were the good ol days of male naming. Men had Manly names…Period!  The decline of proper child naming started with the Hippie movement, those freaks started naming their kids after nature and acid trips. But to be completely fair I don’t count Hippies as real people, some then I’m left to blame Liberals.

Now I could touch on the African American community, and some of the strange names that they think up…BUT I’m sure someone somewhere will call me a racist and the PC police will come arrest me, so I will just let this community have their fun.

I don’t think it’s too late for things to change, and I don’t think you have to choose from the same crop of names to make your first male child a masculine one. For instance, I have a friend named who named his boy  “Bane”  Not a name you hear all the time, but still super manly and it brings to mind a shirtless man wearing bullet belts across his chest and of course wearing a respirator.  If I mentioned the name of one of your children in this article in a negative way, just know that I don’t mean it personally. Maybe they’ll grow up to be something great despite their handicap, anything is possible these days.

Hell, I never in my wildest thoughts would I have imagined that one day the President of the United States and the leader of the free world would have had a name like Barack Hussien Obama.

10 Things You Should Know!

 

 

  1. We search for anything and everything to make us a happy…be it money, a house, a car, a person, a job, a business, retirement, recognition, or a new pair of shoes…yet we rarely look to the one place it can actually be found…inside!

 

  1. The most painful, hardest, most gut-wrenching things we go through in life are usually our best opportunities to grow and become happier.

 

  1. The things we see in others that irritate us the most are the exact traits in ourselves we’re not willing to look at. And often times the people we dislike the most are the ones most like us.

 

  1. We try so hard to be unique just like everyone else.

 

  1. When we forgive someone, it usually does nothing for the person we forgive, but the positive impact on ourselves is profound. At its root, forgiveness is about self-forgiveness.

 

  1. The best way to get rid of fear is to actually do that thing we’re afraid of.

 

  1. Putting together the perfect life doesn’t make anyone happy. Accepting and being grateful for our imperfect life does.

 

  1. We spend a great deal of time consumed with what we want other people to think about us, even though they aren’t thinking about us at all because they too are consumed with what they want other people to think about them.

 

  1. We know that worrying never makes anything better…yet many of us still do it every chance we get.

 

  1. The more we try to be liked and admired by others, the less they tend to like and admire us.

 

Have A Kick Ass Day!!

Dear Wrist Straps…Why?

 

Dear Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag,

Alright, I really have had it this time. Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag, we need to talk. Why has this happened yet again? We have gone through this several times now, I honestly thought things would change due to the heated exchange we had last time this happened. I really thought you were going to start being more responsible. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when I get to the gym, get myself dressed for action and then I find out my straps are missing? It’s pretty damn embarrassing. Everyone else has their straps, except for me. I look like a goddamn tourist! Other lifters look at my bare wrists and laugh at me, and it’s all because you aren’t responsible enough to show up.

And don’t even try to turn this around on me. How dare you tell me I am forgetful! That’s bullshit and you know it. I always put you back in my gym bag, always!  Let’s see everyone else always seems to be in the gym bag…Ear buds, Lock, Extra Tank Top, Headband. But not the wrist straps, no the wrist straps somehow couldn’t make it to the gym today.

Where were you? What was more important than showing up to the gym today?…Tell me!!

I remember when I first saw you in the store, you were new, full of promise. You came into my life at an important juncture, I was adding heavier and heavier weight, I was going full Beast Mode in the gym and you were there to help me. At first everything was great, we were a team, we were working hand and wrist, and nothing could stop us. But like any team, it’s only as strong as its weakest member. Guess what, that weakest member is you!

Well in the three weeks that we have been together, ever since that day I brought you home from Bob’s Sporting Goods with so much hope for future big lifts it’s just been a downward spiral of disappointment. I really thought we had something special, something different, I guess I was wrong.

Wrist Straps you are dead to me….

 

Sincerely,

Your Former Swole Mate

 

Death By Dumbbell!

 

In case you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately, I need to point out the rash of gruesome deaths being cause by Dumbbells. There was another one over the weekend, this will undoubtedly raise the question of Dumbbell registration and many politicians are already promising to push the legislation through Congress.

The media will hype these deaths up like they always do, just fear mongering plain and simple. There have been several studies, the most recent one which was done by Montana State University, which disproves any link between children watching shows like  “Pumping Iron”  or  “Generation Iron” and adults using Dumbbells as a tool to commit homicide, again there is absolutely no correlation between the two.

There are some people calling for mandatory waiting periods before people can start using Dumbbells in the gym, perhaps even making people take a Dumbbell safety course before they can use them. This will most likely also lead to Dumbbell registration and criminal background checks before you can purchase one, even at places like Walmart. None of these measures will create any meaningful reduction in Dumbbell related crimes. Some politicians even say there should be a mandatory waiting period when purchasing a Dumbbell, but this would fail to accomplish anything because there has never been a case of someone using a Dumbbell in a crime of passion. Most crimes involving Dumbbells have turned out to involve illegal Dumbbells which were purchased on the black market, illegally shipped in from Mexico.

Some people want to limit the size and weight of Dumbbells, thinking if they limit the size to no larger than 25 pounds that this might somehow reduce their use in crimes. But there really is no distinction between a regular Dumbbell and an Assault Dumbbell. Common sense would tell you that no Dumbbell has ever been made for the express purpose of hurting anyone. The only exception to this was the  “Arnold Dumbbell”  which the military has designed for use in a failed operation against ISIS. It turned out dropping the GPS guided Arnold Dumbbells had little effect on ISIS moral like the military hoped.

It really is strange to me that Dumbbells which were designed to help people gain muscle, to turn your biceps into  “Guns” have themselves been turned into weapons of human destruction. I mean if someone wants to kill another person they will do it, but for someone to choose a Dumbbell for that purpose just blows my mind. Why not just use a firearm? Or maybe even a knife? It saddens me that Dumbbells have now been given an unfair characterization as a tool of murder.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say on average there are 15,000 murders a year in this country and out of those only 283 were caused by Dumbbells. One would be too many but in the bigger picture 283 isn’t that alarming. To put things in perspective more people die from Shark attacks each year.

Just in the state of Florida last year 934 people were eaten by sharks, but you never hear about this stories because the news doesn’t want tourism affected, but yet they report on Dumbbell deaths and make it sound like an epidemic, which is scaring people away from gym’s and fitness in general.

I think most people don’t realize that the majority of Dumbbell-related deaths are not violent crime related. Do you realize you are twenty times more likely to be killed by a Dumbbell on accident?

The majority of these Dumbbell accidents occur when people are improperly using them while they exercise. Most cases result from people doing over-head presses and they lose their grip on the Dumbbell and it falls hitting them in the head, usually killing them instantly. Several weeks I witnessed one of these accidents happen in my gym, there was this guy who was doing seated overhead presses with one hundred pound Dumbbells, I asked him if he needed a spot but he said  “I got this bro”  and on his very first rep, he lost his grip and one of the Dumbbells came tumbling down crushing his skull, I had blood and brain matter all over me, I nearly wasn’t able to finish my workout, but I pulled through and finished it…Thank God!

As parents it is important we teach our children the proper use of Dumbbells, whether it’s for sport, profession or as a hobby, if we teach our kids early enough on the proper safety precautions to take when using them, perhaps we can reduce the number of Dumbbell related accidents each year.

If you ever find yourself getting hit in the head by a Dumbbell either by accident or on purpose, please seek immediate medical attention, even if you feel like your injuries are not life threatening it is important to get checked out. If you do receive a blow to the head from a Dumbbell, look for the warnings signs of injury, blurred vision, and large amount of blood loss, bleeding from the ears, nose and eyes, indented skull, caved-in skull, exposed brain matter, inability to move arms or legs, involuntary bowl movements, people around you screaming and unable to look directly at you without vomiting, these are all signs you should seek immediate medical attention.

Let’s not forget our country was founded on the principles that we are all free men, we have the right to bear arms, build big arms and lift big weights, which include Dumbbells. Don’t just sit there and let these hard fought freedoms be stripped away from us, just because some jackasses and their irresponsible use of our beloved Dumbbells, so many of these unnecessary deaths could be prevented if Bros just used a spotter. So let’s all do our part in keeping each other safe at home or the gym, wherever Dumbbells are found let there also be safety found with them….God Bless America… God Bless our Troops and God Bless Those Who Use Dumbbells!

Signs The New “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” May Have Done Prison Time!

 

They get a distant glazed over look in their eyes anytime you pass a highway work crew.

 

You notice their toothbrush looks an awful lot like a shiv.

 

They have a toilet in the middle of their living room.

 

Their idea of sweet talk is telling you how many packs of smokes it will cost you to have sex with them.

 

They have a makeshift slot on the dinner table which they pass you food through.

 

When you are out driving they can’t help but point out the lack of craftsmanship on other states licenses plates.

 

They refer to the mall security guards as “Bulls”

 

You notice all their phone contacts are lawyers and bail bondsmen.

 

Anytime you get into an argument they threaten to lawyer up.

 

You go with them to meet their old roommate on visiting day.

 

You never see them in clothing that don’t have black and white stripes.

 

No matter what is going on it’s always “lights out” at 9 pm at their house.

 

They keep referring to their bedroom as a “cell”

 

They call the landlord the “Warden”

 

All their exercise equipment is outside in the yard.

 

They wear white socks and orange plastic sandals around the house.

 

You are always catching them using small mirrors to check around corners.

 

Their idea of arts and crafts is making weapons out of household items.

 

They refer to wine as “hooch”

 

They prefer it if you refer to them by a seven digit number.

 

 

 

Stop Staring At Me!

 

Okay this is supposed to be a feel good self-improvement type post. Can’t you tell by the title? So are you one of those people that gets that weird feeling every time you go to the gym that everyone around you is staring at you?..I get that feeling sometimes as well, usually when I’m wearing my  “Cats Are People Too”  workout gear. But anyways I hear from people quite often. Usually women. That they are either afraid to go the gym or to take any of the group classes. Or if they do go to the gym they only use the treadmill because they are worried that other people will stare at them for being out of shape or just plain lost in what they should be doing.

I say…Forgeddaboutit (this needs to be pronounced in your best New Jersey accent to be effective)

Just remember that those people who you think are staring at you are just people, I think you would be surprised at how many are so vain that they don’t notice anyone but themselves. Or they are just like you, they are just as busy being self-conscious about themselves to be concerned about you…So get in there, strap on your Beats by Dre or whatever you use to avoid conversations and get your business done at the gym.

So stop letting what people may think hold you back from reaching your goals. If you want to hit the free weights, or take some kick ass new dance class or even try that Hot Yoga for the first time. I can almost guarantee that the other people around you will either..

– Not notice you because they’re just as freaked out about being there as you.

-Admire you for taking control and trying to better yourself.

So get in there and DO IT!! Because afterwards you’re going to be Happy. And sweaty, and probably smell. But dammit you will be Happy!

But if they are giving you funny looks I would recommend not free-balling it in the gym next time if you’re a dude or wear a sports bra next time so your girls don’t pop out for a visit if you’re a lady.

Alright let’s take this from another angle, let’s say you do go to the gym fairly regular but your still feeling nervous about venturing any further than that damn treadmill or elliptical…You see the Promised Land (Free Weight Section) off in the distance. And perhaps you’re not really worried about anyone looking at you, but you simply don’t know what weights to lift or how to lift them.

Well it’s time step off the treadmill and walk towards the Promised Land..

I’m a firm believer that weight training is more efficient at burning those nasty calories than just straight cardio…You know that treadmill thing you have been stuck on like Gilligan’s Island. Well the rescue boat is here, so go pick up some weights. Don’t be scared, weights won’t bite you ( I would suggest holding them firmly, dropping them on your foot will cause people to stare at you)

So I could suggest a multitude of different workouts. But I’m not an expert. But you know what the Internets are full of people who say they are. And Hell some of them actually are. So do some research, find an easy routine to start with, to get your feet wet. It’s not that hard to grab some light weights and start working with them, unless you have that illness called  “I have an Excuse for everything”  and in that case I would suggest you seek help. Like from a Personal Trainer. Yes, they are at nearly every gym, they can help you with working through your Excuses issues.

Just remember when you’re trying to get in shape, you need to make it a lifestyle, you can’t go to the gym for 30 min then stop at McCrapper on the way home , and sit your ass on the couch watching Oprah reruns while snacking cheesy snack chips all evening and expected a miracle to happen. It’s going to take hard work, consistency, strong will and determination.

I will see you in the Promised Land…

To The Chocolate Mafia Girls….Please Leave Me Alone!

 

You Know Who You Are….

For the better part of a week you have been hounding me about buying some chocolate from your daughter to support her cheer team. You violated the unwritten code of the gym by leaving an order form on the counter…Knowing I would see it. Not to mention emailing me the link to the chocolate company and a picture of your daughter as if that would make me want to buy the cheap-ass chocolate she is pushing. Well, I have been thinking this whole chocolate buying thing over all day, and I want to let you know that I have reached a decision. I’m sorry, but I cannot buy any chocolate from your daughter at this time.

I think it’s only fair that I share my reasoning for not buying any chocolate from your daughter. First of all, I don’t like chocolate. I would never eat it and since I believe in living a healthy and clean lifestyle I wouldn’t buy the chocolate then give it to someone else. Secondly, I have no idea who your daughter is, we have never met. This on its own is usually a deal breaker for me since I like to know the people I am buying products from when they are selling them to support a cause or group. For all I know your daughter could be a member of ISIS and her cheer team could just be a cover for a secret terror cell looking to do harm in my state. Now I realize your daughter is probably not a member of ISIS and her cheer team is most likely just a cheer team. But your daughter might be a little shit, she might bully and demean other girls, maybe the girls who couldn’t make the cheer team, maybe your daughter sells drugs or maybe, just maybe your daughter is one of the little punk as bitches who threw eggs at my house last Halloween. So this is why I like to know the kids I support by buying stuff from them.

I’m not done, I still have more reasons why I will not buy anything from your daughter. Okay, so thirdly, perhaps if your daughter would have come to me personally and tried to make the sale directly to me I might have been more inclined to buy some chocolate from her, I could have asked her a few questions, maybe got a feel for her character and proceeded from there. But, since she employed you, her mother, in the execution of her sales, this to me reflects laziness. She manipulated you into doing her work for her. What kind of Mother are you? Are you going to do everything for her? You probably do her homework for her as well don’t you? Your daughter would have been better served going out door-to-door in the community, it would have given her a chance to work on her self-confidence, public speaking skills, and learning to take no for an answer. But it is clear to me that the loss of any revenue she would have gained through me is the least of her issues.

And another thing, and this is directed more at the so called  “Mother”  in this situation, do you have any idea how irresponsible and sleazy it was for you to leave a chocolate order form on the counter at the gym? I found it socially irresponsible. Your behavior was downright reprehensible. I feel by making the record of chocolate orders public like that, you created a hostile and dare I say volatile atmosphere of personal anxieties and unstable egos. The pressure you and your daughter have put on everyone in the gym, is just distasteful, Nobody wanted to wear the scarlet letter of shame for ordering the fewest chocolate bars, you know full well how competitive everyone here at the gym is. Deep down I think you did this on purpose, you probably found some delight in the trouble you and your daughter have caused.

And now with a weeks’ worth of overwhelming pressure for me to make a chocolate purchase has come to an end. I have returned the order form you gave me. (You will see that I did at one point nearly succumb to the pressure and start to order a one pound box of chocolate kisses, but later I scribbled it out) I am proud to say I came to my senses and decided to take a stand today. I refuse to be coerced by you, your daughter’s chocolate proxy. I only hope by me going public with my actions it will help others who find themselves in the same situation, those poor folks who have been forced into this unfair position, an unwanted moral obligation to financially support your daughter’s cheer team or ISIS terror cell…I’m not completely sure on it to be honest. So for those innocent people I take a stand! And just let me be clear this also goes for any future morally bankrupt business ventures you and your daughter might try to impose upon me or anyone at the gym. Today’s NO is also tomorrows NO!

I will also ask you to relay this message to your daughter. It would be nice if you could read this letter or proclamation as I prefer it is looked upon as to your daughter with the theme music from the  “Last of the Mohicans”  playing in the background. I was listening to it as I wrote this so I think it’s only fitting.

Also, on a related subject. If your daughter finds herself with a surplus case of chocolate with caramel centers and she is unable to off-load them on anyone, I might be interested in taking those off her hands, but at a substantially discounter price…Thank You.

Great Work Everyone…Except You Steve!

 

Excellent job people, alright everyone line up over here, this will be our last obstacle to do, on our last practice before the big race tomorrow!

Way to go people, I just wanted to say what an absolutely fantastic job everyone did today. I will admit today’s workout was a tough one, but it was all about teamwork, relying on each other to make it through the obstacles and learning to trust your teammates. And as we all know sometimes that’s not an easy thing to do.

Remember the “Wall?”….Now tell me how many of you thought that there was no way in hell I was going to make it over that one? Dan? I saw it on your face buddy, but you did it! I watched each and every one of you push through the pain and conquer your fears, I’m so proud of all of you….With one exception.

When you were all working on the rope course, how cool was it to finally be able to climb all the way up those ropes until you reached the top, you all did so well, you encouraged each other, you helped your weaker teammates make it to the top, what I saw was one hundred percent output by everyone, except for one of you who thought it would be funny to start swinging the rope around while your teammate was trying to touch the top, almost causing him to fall, luckily his foot was wrapped up in the rope.

I thought the low crawl under the barbed wire was a challenge, but once we all got a rhythm down we were able to slide along without getting tangled up in the wire, I thought we were making excellent time, that is until someone decided to throw a rock at Ezra causing him to freak out and get entangled in the wire, and as I crawled over to help him, another well aimed rock hit me in the back of the head causing me to go unconscious for a few minutes, luckily Dan was able to free us both, although I still can’t remember anything about my childhood.

When we did the spear throwing practice I will admit I was a little nervous, it was disheartening to watch a grown man taunt his teammates with a spear, screaming that he was going to stick some pigs today. For Christ’s sake we are all teammates here, we are supposed to be working together to be able to win the race tomorrow and proudly represent our gym, these obstacle races are not easy, and we have put a lot of hours in every week so that would could make our sponsor proud. But throwing a spear and nearly killing one of your teammates on purpose just sickens me, it totally represents everything a “teammate” isn’t supposed to be, a teammate doesn’t try to make your team lose, a teammate doesn’t try to kill another teammate!

I’m gonna tell you something, I have been on several of these team obstacle races before. They are always fun, and it’s a great bonding experience. But this is the first time I’ve ever been assaulted by a teammate, but even with this negative I still say this whole experience has shown what a well-connected group of guys, who work as a team, who all have a common goal, minus Steve, can achieve!

Okay, circle up everyone. I want you each to look at your fellow teammates. Really look, what do you see?…No, don’t look at Steve. Do not look at Steve…No eye contact with him, that is a type of approval, and he does not deserve that. Everyone ignore Steve. Now look at each other and think…this is my gym family, this is my race family. When we work together, nothing is impossible!

Alright, it’s starting to get late and we need to get some rest before the big race tomorrow. But, I have one last challenge for you…my family, my friends….Except you Steve! I have something I have been saving to give you guys, it’s this Spirit Baton that has our names on it, and our team name  “The Igniters”  This Spirit Baton represents everything we have accomplished the last few weeks, it represents the  “team”  we have become, and most of all it will bring us good luck tomorrow.

Dan, I would like for you to carry it first in the race tomorrow then pass it on to the next teammate so we all take a turn carrying it during the race. Alright, everyone put your hand on it right now….Does everyone have a hand on it? Make room for Ezra on the bottom there.

Okay, so when I let go the rest of you need to keep holding on, and walk together over to the parking lot, as a team, don’t drop it, it must never touch the ground or it will lose it’s good luck…Remember nobody let go! The team is strongest when everyone works together.

There you go…You guys got it…you’re doing good.

Umm, some of you look pretty nervous about walking next to Steve. Don’t be! He is nothing compared to the power of this team! Just stay focused on each other. You’re almost to the parking lot, just a few more…Steve…Steve,  stop that! Keep your hands on the Spirit Baton, everyone! Just keep….Don’t let Steve touch it! Keep his nasty hands off it! DO NOT LET HIM DEFILE THE SPIRIT BATON WITH HIS TOUCH! YES, DAN…PUSH HIM…KNOCK HIM DOWN…EZRA KICK HIM!

Alright, everyone quickly get in your cars and go, leave him…No, just leave him, let’s go!

See you at the race tomorrow!

Public Toilet Survival Tips

 

I have never been comfortable taking a dump anywhere other than my own bathroom, obliviously this does not make life easy for me.

Recently I was one of several guests at a friend’s house for dinner when the urge to defecate slowly reared its ugly head, or should I say ugly turtle head. It felt like a subway car was pushing its way out my rear end, if you have never experienced this sensation let me just say it’s one you don’t want to have at your friend’s dinner party. I had no choice, I had to do the unthinkable, at least for me, I had to ask my friend to use their bathroom, just as everyone was sitting down to eat…I told them not to wait, this would not be anything that would be over quickly.

After ten minutes of trying to clear the subway car out of my back side, each minute I was in there just added to my shame and humiliation, I just imaged the conversation going on at the table, I know they were making fun of me, judging me and most likely disgusted with me. To top it off her bathroom didn’t have any fruity smelling spray which I could use to mask the anal carnage that just happened.

As I returned to the table, I could see the other guests faces…I may as well have walked out of the bathroom covered in shit, I just hung my head low and prayed nobody else needed to use the bathroom, as my stench would surely still be in there for the next few days.

So as a way of helping anyone else out there who happens to have the same issues as me about using foreign bathrooms, whether they are your friends or a random truck stop. Over the years I have developed a few toilet tactics which help me get through difficult moments. Now some of my toilet techniques are pretty advanced and would require visual aids to properly understand them so I will share a few of the easier techniques, perhaps you already know them, perhaps not, I’m just trying to help my fellow shitters out.

 

The Osprey

I use this method when I’m at a public restroom, one that has several stalls… Pro Tip: Never use the Handicapped stall, that stall usually has some bad stuff go down in it.

So once you are in your stall, you give the toilet seat a good once over and you can clearly see residue from the last thirty visitors (hair, fecal matter, stains, blood, urine, god knows what) No worries my friends, just assume the Osprey position, which is fairly simple, you hover 3-4 inches above the seat, it requires leg strength that why I recommend hitting the gym as often as possible. Once in a good hover begin dropping bombs like you normally would. If you start to get spasms in your legs use your arms to help prop yourself up, grab on to the walls, toilet paper holder, anything you can except the toilet seat, NEVER touch the seat! If all goes well you should have dropped your weapons package off, without touching the seat, if you did touch the seat you probably have an STD or worse now, go see the Doctor.

 

The Squeeze and Release

Alright you make it to the bathroom, you do the toilet seat once over, luckily the restroom is fairly clean, toilet seat looks like they just cleaned it, and maybe your feeling like you can take a seat on this one. First thing is first, prepare yourself mentally, once you commit to the seat, you own it! Now grab some toilet paper and start creating a safety barrier on the seat, it should be at a minimum 1-2 inches thick, the thicker the better. Now slowly lower your exposed ass to the seat, take caution in not knocking the safety barrier you just made into the bowl.

Good job, you have made contact, safety barrier still in place, now you’re ready for business, as you begin carpet bombing the toilet bowl you feel a sense of relief, pride almost….Until you feel splash back, you just got sprayed from the toxic toilet water, it’s a horrible, mind altering feeling. No worries rookie, I have the solution for you. Much like anything in life, moderation is key, dropping your load off at the dump should be no different. Once you begin lowering a turd from the mothership, cut it short, usually 3-4 inches in length, this will reduce splashback. No repeat process until finished, be sure to watch your safety barrier, make sure it remains securely in place. Wipe properly when done.

 

The Aloha Snackbar

I consider this technique to be a last resort method. Let’s say you have had a bad case of the runs all day and you get caught off guard and have to make a quick sprint to a restroom, take care to run pigeon toed which will help your ass cheeks secure the load until you reach the drop zone. To your dismay, you reach the restroom but it looks like a satanic cult just performed a sacrifice in there. None of the toilets are clean, there is shit smeared everywhere. Even the stalls have the doors removed as if to torture you.

Now if you are faced with this type of situation, I call it the “End Times” scenario. There is only one course of action which you can take, the Aloha Snackbar method. You take your position at the opening of the stall, drop your pants and bend over. Wrap your left hand thoroughly with toilet paper, don’t be stingy. Close your eyes, with your left hand reach around and release that liquid hell onto your toilet paper protected hand then quickly fling it into the toilet, or as close as possible. Look, this is pretty, you don’t want to be in this situation but you are, so just man the hell up and do it!

Okay my fellow shitters, there you have it, just a few special techniques to help you out in the next difficult situation you find yourself in. Remember you are somebody special, don’t let the ugly stigma of toilet issues get you down. There is no shame in shitting, everyone shits, so just go shit!